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March 07, 2009


before i get to today's topic, i have a question for my general readership. and that question is: how long does it take for a "blog" to take off? i mean, to make money from it. "inquiring minds" would really like to know. because it seems that, due to certain legal issues, the "pimp and a prostitute, too" thing is not going to work out. maybe some of you "lawyer" types out there would like to do a little "pro bono" work and look into the "constitutional" aspects of this case.  as of right now, the blog is my only source of income at the present time [sic]. it's just as well, because i really think that i've got the "chops" to make this thing happen. it's not exactly my "dream" job, but i would definitely do it for money, as in a regular paycheck.

so, we all know about the amount of free time one has when one is "unemployed". it is both a bane and a curse (sic), and one must use one's time wisely or one's brain will deteriorate into a big pile of mush. i keep my mind active by playing "hearts" on the "internet". after playing literally thousands of games of "hearts" on the "internet", i would generally be considered an "expert" at this game: the game we call, "the game of hearts".

now, "the game of hearts" is much bigger than the sum of it's parts (that could be considered an "aphorism" because it rhymes [ed. note: wrong]). as many of you may or may not know, "the game of hearts" is a four player card game (no partners), where you try to eliminate everybody by making them go out with too many points while simultaneously helping people along from going out too soon before you go out (because the jack of diamonds is worth -10 points, however many people don't play this way, it's just a variation). basically you pretend that you're "friends" together and that you're "all in this together" or whatever, until you swoop in and make someone go out and you win and everyone else is SO SCREWED.  it is SO AWESOME. it is also what i like to call a "metaphor" for the "human condition".

since i am such an expert at this, "the game of hearts", i could seriously write a book about it. and then obviously, in its natural sequence of events, that book would be made into a movie. it would be similar to "Proof", starring Gwyneth Paltrow and directed by John Madden (the movie version, not the play version, but they could make a play out of it, what do i care, more money for me right?).  they both share the same themes of "highly-intillectual "[sic] and sort of "mathy" with the high amount of numbers involved.  except mine wouldn't be nearly as boring. i mean, it would take a heck of a lot more than casting the lovely (and highly under-rated, i might ad) actress Gwyneth Paltrow to pull that dog out of the bushes! i'm looking at more of a "Gina Gershon"-type (wowie zowie!) for a little more complexity.  and i definitely wouldn't have John Madden direct it, because, what is he, an ex-football player? and he didn't do such a hot job with that movie, with the lighting and the camera angles and all that [ed. note: see below].

so, anyway this is just another example of what i could do for money.  i think that this  "area of expertise-into-best selling novel-into- blockbuster movie is a very "do-able" goal.  i mean, according to "wikipedia", the movie "Proof" grossed 20 million dollars at the box office! [1][ed. note: actually that was the budget for the film]

ok, so "wikipedia" also says that John Madden is actually an english guy and not THAT John Madden that i referred to before [2].  this would actually answer a couple of questions that i had. you see, it pays to do your "research", and since no one is paying me for this blog yet, i can't afford to hire a "research coordinator" or whatever. you want to know what happened? you see, when i went to the site it said "directed by John Madden" and i just assumed it was the "big" John Madden that everyone knows, even though it said that he directed Gwyneth Paltrow in "Shakespeare in Love" [3]. well, i just figured he directed some other crappy movie. but it was one of those nagging questions in my mind, you know? i should have just clicked on the guy's name and found out. that's called "doing your research". well anyway, i still say that he messed up the camera angles and lighting.  it's like he was trying to do "too much".  reel it in, "Orson Wells", you know what i mean?

it's actually happened to me before: recently i saw a movie from the eighties that i can't remember the name [ed. note: Cyborg 2] with Angelina Jolie and there was this guy in it and i was like "oh my god, that's the guy from "Law&Order"!" and my sister said i was wrong and i bet her $20.  so i found out the guy's name (Elias Koteas) at the end of the movie ( the movie's not bad by the way) and i go to "wikipedia" and it says that , in fact, i am confusing him with Christopher Meloni from "Law&Order", but that Elias Koteas "bears a striking resemblance to the actor Christopher Meloni , with whom he is occasionally confused and whose birthdays are close" [4][5]. it was AWESOME that they would actually say that.  my sister took $10 off the bet. not that she's going to see any of that anyway, because it was kind of a "chump" bet.

another thing i would do for money is skeet shooting, professionally. but i'll save that for another day!

blog on!

1. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Proof_(2005_film)
2. ibid.
3. ibid.
4. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Elias_Koteas
5. http://www.flixster.com/actor/christopher-meloni