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Published March 11, 2013

 

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1. She avoids making eye contact with you.

Fellas, we all know that women love making eye contact with their man. If she’s avoiding your gaze, it can only mean one thing: you’re in the doghouse!

2. She stops talking to you.

Women were put on this earth to talk. If she’s giving you the silent treatment, you better figure out what’s wrong and patch things up because guess what? You’re in the doghouse!

3. She says everything’s “fine.”

If you ask what’s wrong and your woman says everything’s “fine”—you KNOW things are bad! Pay attention to her tone of voice; if she uses a sarcastic tone or a tone that’s hard to describe or a regular tone, you are definitely in the doghouse!

4. She swears that “really, everything is fine.”

When you relentlessly demand to know what’s wrong and she continues to insist that “really, everything is fine,” there’s no question that you have been sentenced to the maximum security wing of the doghouse penitentiary. You better find out what you did so you can apologize!

5. She says you’re “scaring her.”

One telltale sign that you’re in the doghouse is when, after you’ve locked your woman in the crawlspace and told her you won’t let her out until she says what you did wrong, she claims that you’re “scaring her.” What she’s really saying is “Welcome to the doghouse, mister!”

6. She says she “never wants to see you again.”

Women say all kinds of funny things when you let them out of the crawlspace after a couple weeks, but if she says she never wants to see you again—you know something’s up. News alert: you’re probably in the doghouse!

7. She files a “restraining order” against you.

Be suspicious any time your woman’s lawyer tells you that you are no longer legally allowed within 200 yards of her because of that whole crawlspace business. Nine times out of ten, what she’s really saying is that your woman is upset with you and wants you to know that you’re in the doghouse. Sounds like someone better go buy some roses!

8. She “marries someone else.”

If you don’t hear from your woman for several years and then find out that she has gotten married, she’s clearly trying to tell you that something’s wrong! You’re going to need more than roses to get you out of this one. A nice orchid should do the trick. Bring the orchid to your woman’s new house and apologize for whatever you did wrong!

9. She pretends she “doesn’t know who you are.”

Every guy has been here: your woman has gotten married to send you a message, so you show up at her new house with a beautiful orchid and she pretends to have no idea who you are. Meanwhile, her new husband has you in a headlock and wants to know how you got into their house. Suddenly, your woman claims that the cops are on their way. Woops! Pop quiz: What is rapidly losing circulation to its brain and totally in the doghouse? Answer: You!

10. Your court-ordered psychiatrist says that “your entire relationship with the individual you insist on referring to as ‘your woman’ is an elaborate fantasy-turned-delusion that your subconscious created as a mechanism to avoid acknowledging the crushing disappointment of your real life. The woman and her husband have decided not to press charges on the condition that you commit to seeking professional mental help.”

If there’s one dead giveaway that your woman is angry with you, this is it! Go ahead and pour yourself a bowl of kibbles, ‘cause—you guessed it: you’re in the doghouse!

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