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Published August 18, 2010
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Via PooporChocolateBlogs.com

In roughly three months, NASA will be sending the Robonaut 2—a robot designed to do the work of a live-in maid—to the International Space Station.  I’m convinced the butler-bot, nicknamed R2, is trying to make me look like a bitch.  Here are five reasons why.

1.  Job Security

I don’t know why we’re worried about illegal immigrants from Mexico taking away jobs in the U.S. when we’ve got humanoid robots taking all the best jobs in space.  You’re seriously telling me I couldn’t be a butler on the space station?  I’m attentive, I love zero gravity, and I’m already experienced in vacuum sealing.  (There won’t be a drug test, will there?)  Look, I understand that R2’s role is to carry out missions that are too dangerous for the astronauts, but I’m fine with that.  I don’t have health insurance, so every time I walk out my front door I face similar perils—don’t catch the flu (space fever); don’t get hit by a car (moon rover); don’t hold your breath until you die (take helmet off while outside ship).  See, I’m qualified.  I’ll send my resume to spacestationbutler2010@nasa.gov.

2.  More Twitter Followers

It’s bad enough that I’m dwarfed in followers by JBieberBoy94 (yes, that is the account for a fan that’s been “beliebin’ since 2007”), but now by a cold, emotionless automaton, too?  Damn you, Sarah Palin.  And worse yet, R2 is ahead of me, as well!  Fuck!  I know I’m not very popular, but at least I have to cognitive ability to create unique, coherent thoughts.  Damn you, Sarah Palin.  And damn you, R2. 

5.  Ability to Lift a Twenty Pound Weight

Way to show off, R2.  Whatever, it’s not fair and you know it.  There’s not a non-bionic human on the planet that can lift such a weight.  Maybe, MAYBE, Robocop can, but that would be cheating because his robotic strength allows him to lift upwards of fifty pounds.  You don’t care about cheating, though, do you?  Disgusting.  It’s like if Barry Bonds were playing for the Houston Astros.

4.  Handicapped Parking

R2 has no legs.  This means two things.  For one, he’s trying to throw a pity party.  Well sorry, but that’s not working.  Secondly—and this is much more disconcerting—is the fact that this tin can gets to use the handicapped parking spaces.  As if he weren’t walking all over me already (figuratively), now he’s going to get priority parking, too?  God forbid you have to roll an extra ten yards to pick up Tang at the grocery store for your fancy space missions.  Lazy-ass robot.

3.  Cost vs. Hotness

According to “sources”, the estimated price tag on R2 is one quitrillion dollars.  How is that possible?  That’s within a zimillion of what it cost build Heidi Montag, but at least I can see where the money went with that project (huge moon rocks).  If you’re going to spend that kind of money on a robot, can you at least give it some cosmic surgery, for crying out loud?  I’m not saying you have to go crazy, but I’ve got to believe we can create sexier astro-butler than Rosie from The Jetsons.  If my entire human worth is going to be belittled by a glorified Roomba, I at least want to be able to masturbate to it. 

My name is t.j. and I blasted off this list in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.

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