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October 21, 2014
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Peyton Manning's life is an unmitigated hell.

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This past Sunday, Denver Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning broke the all-time touchdown-pass record with his 509th — and then 510th — endzone strikes. The following are quotes from the future Hall-of-Famer following some of his hallmark touchdowns spanning an incredible 15-year career:


TOUCHDOWN #1:

“This didn’t feel as special as I thought it would. I mean, it’s nice. Just weirdly … empty, I guess.”

TOUCHDOWN #100:

“Do you ever feel like you’re only doing something just because you think you’re supposed to? Like everyone’s expecting you to be something, but you never even asked yourself if that’s what you wanted for your life?”

TOUCHDOWN #200:

“Every day is sort of the same shade of beige, you know? It took me 20 minutes to pick out a pair of socks this morning. I feel nothing.”

TOUCHDOWN #300:

“Now I can never stop. I have no identity, no needs or desires of my own. I’m a tiny cog in a massive, unstoppable machine, forced to spin and spin and spin and spin until I break.”

SEVEN TOUCHDOWNS IN A SINGLE GAME:

“I’m not even sure if I ever even existed. Am I already dead? Is this purgatory? When does it end?“

TOUCHDOWN #400:

“I thought destroying my neck would finally release me, but no — they stitched me back together like some abomination of nature. Maybe if I can win another Super Bowl, I can just go off into the woods somewhere and die. I’m so tired.”

BREAKS SINGLE-SEASON TOUCHDOWN RECORD:

“If I wasn’t such a coward, I’d just end it all and take as many of you people with me as I could. Why continue with this fucking farce? We should all be ashamed of ourselves. Deeply ashamed.”

TOUCHDOWN #500:

“Hey, we just went out there and did what we do every day, guys; play the best football we know how.”

BREAKS THE ALL-TIME CAREER TOUCHDOWN RECORD:

“This meaningless record only makes it worse. I’m being crushed under the combined weight of your relentless expectations. No one has ever squandered his life so completely and hatefully as I have.”


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