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“Shit. Shit, shit, shit. Okay, it’s all riding on you. If you fuck this up, everyone’s gonna hate you, but if you make it, you’ll be a hero. Either way, this is it. Oh my God, this is too much pressure. Fuck, I’m freaking out. Okay, just relax. All you’ve gotta do is stay focused, stay focused and NOT let the ball go into the net. The Net, that was a weird movie. I bet if you watched it now all the websites and stuff would look super outdated…Sandy Bullock is still going strong though. SHIT, you’re not focusing! You have one job, and that is to prevent THAT ball from going into THIS net. God, this net is huge. Why do they have to make them so big? It makes it so much harder for me to keep the ball from going in. Okay, focus up. I wonder how they get these nets here from wherever they come from - a net factory, I guess? And are they already assembled? Shut up, it doesn’t matter. FOCUS. …But do they just strap them to a flatbed truck and drive them on the highway to the soccer stadium? I’ve certainly never seen that…though I did recently see a flatbed truck carrying a huge McDonald’s golden arches sign, so that’s sort of even weirder. AHHHH, NOW’S NOT THE TIME. Jesus, what is taking so long? Is this taking longer than normal or am I just thinking really fast? What is time? “Time is a flat circle.”… I know that’s from True Detective but I’m pretty sure it’s originally from like Nietzsche or something. God, I need to read more. What am I doing? I know all these fucking TV references but can’t crack a book once in a while? Oh crap, it looks like they’re about to kick the ball. Fuck, I am not ready. Should I say something? Should I call a time out? CAN I call a time out? YOU SHOULD KNOW THIS, YOU ARE A GOALIE. Oh no. Oh crap. Here it comes. Here comes the ball. “Here comes the BOOM, ready or not!” - Oh my God I hate that song so much and now it’s stuck in my head. The soundtrack to my big moment is now Hoobastank or some shit…wait, no it’s not Hoobastank. Who does that song? WHO CARES?! It’s driving me crazy though…Oh! P.O.D.! It was P.O.D. Pee-oh-dee. Peyote. I wish I was on Peyote. HOW IS THAT BALL STILL NOT HERE. Okay here we gooooooooooooooOH MY GOD I AM DIVING RIGHT NOWWWWWWWWWW! HOOBASTAAAAAAAANK!!!

…did I do good?”


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