1. Tom Brady throws the ball all over the Jets and then tells them to go to bed for talking back.
After a lead up to the Jets/Patriots game that included some of the Jets players saying they can’t wait to take their shot at the perfect-thus-far Patriots, including the Jets’ Sheldon Richards saying his team was “licking our chops” getting ready for the week seven matchup, Tom Brady decided to throw the ball over and over again until the game was over and the Patriots had more points than the Jets.
This didn’t surprise anyone because Tom Brady is the Jets father and he will discipline any of them if they decide to talk back or misbehave. Other than beating them soundly, Brady gave out a few other punishments.
-He told Darrelle Revis to go to bed without dinner.
-He made Sheldon Richards write “I won’t run my big fat mouth no more” 500 times in his notebook.
-He told Ryan Fitzpatrick to cut his hair.
-He made Antonio Cromartie eat an actual turd.
-He spanked Nick Mangold right in his big fat ass.
2. Greg Hardy berates the Cowboys special teams then gets yelled at by teammate Dez Bryant, then tries to figure out who he wants to piss off next.
Greg Hardy has been back in the League for two weeks. He spent the first week angering all of America with showing no remorse for assaulting his girlfriend by throwing her on a futon full of assault rifles (going to keep saying specifically what happened because it’s important to be reminded he actually did this), then this week he yelled at a bunch of his teammates. Here are the unlikely people he plans to piss off for the remaining weeks of the NFL season.
Week 8: His mother
Week 9: Nuns (the nice ones)
Week 10: Children in the ICU
Week 11: Michael J. Fox
Week 12: Free Sample Lady at Costco
Week 13: Someone who just finished a steak dinner with hot potatoes and a tall beer.
Week 14: Someone who just stepped into a hot shower after spending the watching their kids soccer game in the cold ass weather all day.
Week 15: Someone who had the sneaking suspicion that this one guy at work was stealing their peanut butter and then caught him red handed and the stealer couldn’t deny it.
Week 16: Jason Garrett’s replacement (Garrett will be fired by then)
Week 17:Roger Goodell’s replacement (Goodell will be fired by then)
Playoffs: Hahahahahaha, Cowboys in the playoffs? Hahahahahahahaha
3. The Dolphins scored five touchdowns before the Texans could gain five yards, solidifying Five for Fighting’s “Superman (It’s Not Easy)” as track one on the Texans’ 2015 season soundtrack.
Ugh boy, the Texans stink! Just pump this baby through that headset, Coach. “It’s not easy, to be … me (Bill O’Brien),” indeed.
4. An NFL record five teams are still undefeated after week seven, setting up a five-team, Chinese checkers–type blood bath of a Super Bowl.
Sure, a few of these teams play each other in the next couple weeks but, technically, if the season (and playoffs) ended today, the NFL would have no choice but to put five teams into the Super Bowl. That’s just basic math. No matter what that monster Goodell wants you to think!
The best case scenario for this kind of Super Bowl matchup would be a five end zone, kill-the-man-with-the-ball, free for all where all the teams just try to hang on to the ball and drive it into ANY end zone while also kicking the crap out of everyone not wearing their color jersey. Let’s see Tom Brady’s trademark grit and precision lead a two-minute drill against four defenses at once. Something tells me ‘ol Tommy ain’t gonna come out the golden boy!
5. Bills lose to Jaguars in London making E.J. Manuel first quarterback to lose a game in three different countries while also making him very attractive to college sophomores.
The Bills QB has lost multiple games in the U.S., lost the game in London on Sunday, and also lost when the Bills played a 2013 game in Toronto’s Rogers Centre. While you might think this is a negative distinction, college sophomores around the country actually consider being an international loser to be “cool,” “legit,” and even “freakin’ hot.” Here’s what a few of them had to say.
Ashley Charles, sophomore, Stanford
“OMG, he’s been to London? I really want to go to London this summer! You can smoke weed there right?”
Brendan Bick, sophomore, Ohio St. University:
“Me and some of the guys went to Toronto to gamble and drink at bars last month. E.J. was there too! He’s always there! Super chill guy.”
Madison Phumphrey, sophomore, Boston College:
“The world is a book, and those who do not travel read only a page. Also, I’m a big loser with no friends.”
6. Andrew Luck says he has to play better and his teammates agree after standing around doing nothing but talking about him the whole game.
The Colts lost again and preseason MVP favorite, Andrew Luck, has looked very average all season. His teammates know that all too well as they’ve had a front row seat to his mediocrity. Sometimes walking right up to him during the game and being like, “What the heck are you doing Andrew? Come on, we need to score! It’s not like any of us are gonna do anything about it. Coach! Why isn’t Andrew Luck throwing touchdowns? I don’t know who is supposed to be on the field right now. But Andrew is out there, why hasn’t he thrown a touchdown or something? None of us know how football works!”
7. Kirk Cousins leads Redskins on a 24-point comeback against the Bucs and then mansplains to us what we apparently like.
First of all, Kirk, we decide what we like, not you. I don’t care how many points you fell behind to one of the worst teams in the NFL and then came back in thrilling fashion, you don’t tell me what to like.
Here’s a list of things that I like: My family. My dogs. Steaming hot coffee on a crisp fall saturday morning. Cozy sweaters. Books. Traveling. WINE. Don’t you dare tell me I like “that.”
P.S. I did like that, I just don’t appreciate the assumption.
8. Crappy British headsets make it impossible for Bills coaches to talk to each other in funny British accents during the game.
Always the jokester, Rex Ryan had some hilarious Monty Python quotes ready to go during the Bills/Jaguars game in London Sunday morning, but he never got to fire them off because the headsets they were using didn’t work for the majority of the game. Between the constant static and even “dead spots” during the second quarter, Ryan and the other coaches weren’t able to use all the zany cockney phrases that they’d been practicing all week leading up to the game.
“Yeah, the headsets were down, it sucked. I really wanted to say ‘I fart in your general direction’ to the coaches up in the booth. They would’ve been rolling. Such a wasted opportunity. Oh and also we couldn’t get the plays to our quarterback. We are the knights who say ni! Remember that? Haha, classic…”