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November 30, 2012

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. “This is one of those days,” to misquote Fred Durst. You can find more at http://brianunderstands.tumblr.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

Lindsay Lohan was arrested on an assault charge in New York City. Word is the alleged victim looked worse than "Liz & Dick."

New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg traveled to Washington, D.C. to ask for Hurricane Sandy relief aid. A billionaire traveling to Washington to ask for money? What is this, Tuesday?

The NFL acknowledged that the sport has a problem with the attention deficit drug Adderall. In their defense, have you ever tried watching football?

Syria shut down Internet access throughout the country on Thursday. "Problem solved!" said the UN.

The man who accepted money to get the Romney campaign logo tattooed on his face says he's having it removed. Meanwhile, the man who accepted money to get the Romney campaign tattooed on his political career isn't sure what to do.

A federal bankruptcy judge agreed to allow Hostess executives to receive bonuses while workers are denied retirement benefits. "That's fair," said a weatherman describing a 70 degree day.

TV evangelist Pat Robertson said he believes the Earth is over 6,000 years old. Making Sen. Marco Rubio now look worse than the guy who blamed 9/11 on pagans and gays.

Fast-food restaurant chain employees went on strike around New York City for higher wages. The chains tried to grease some of the palms of the organizers but they realized that'd be redundant.

Michael Jordan has been banned from a Florida country club for wearing cargo pants while golfing. More to the point, for not keeping an honorary white person card in one of the cargo pockets.

At the UN, only nine countries voted against the Palestinian Authority becoming a nonvoting observer state. Causing Palestinians to wonder, "What did we ever do to Micronesia?"

A 10-year-old was handcuffed and arrested at school after marijuana was found on her. Officials became suspicious when she wanted to eat lots of cookies, giggled a lot, and appeared to be bored.