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January 04, 2017

#2. Stand There Looking All Big and Shit.

Congratulations! You’ve been working out a lot, and now you have large muscles. But what should you do with them?

Pick Up Heavy Things

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Let’s put those big muscles to work! Get a heavy box, and lift it over your head. It doesn’t matter what’s in the box. That’s not the point. You can also hoist a big rock. Just as good.

Flex on Facebook

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A lot of your old classmates don’t even know you have yoked delts! Luckily, this is an easy fix. Take a bathroom selfie with your muscles greased and visible, then disseminate that photo. A backwards cap is okay, as long as it’s slightly askew. Make sure large tubs of Creatine are visible in the background.

Stand There Looking All Big and Shit


This one is easy! Just mill around and look jacked. You’re huge, bro!

Flex So Hard You Burst a Blood Vessel in Your Nose

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That’s how you know you’re getting a good flex. All our bodybuilder buddies say so.

Kick a Ball


Big muscles make balls go far. That’s the first law of physics.

Eat Them if You Get Stranded in the Andes

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Not that your obliques would make for a great meal, but they could keep you going in a pinch. C’mon, have a nosh. Eat your bicep.

Fight Them


When muscles get too powerful, they try to overtake their host body. It’s crucial to form an alliance with your bones now, before the war.

Thank the Lord Loudly on the Bus


For it is He that plumped your delts.