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Published July 07, 2011
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Dear guy jonesing for meth,

My wife and I agree on most things, but we don’t have the same tastes in music. Her favorite band is Arctic Monkeys, and she plays them at home non-stop at pain level and ignores my pleas to listen on her MP3 player so I won’t have to suffer. But she keeps saying, “love me, love Arctic Monkeys.” I dearly love her, but the monkeys are driving me bananas, if you will. What should I do?


Tropical Reptile


Dear Reptile,

Hey, I’m with you, bro, I can’t stand those f**kers. Get some earplugs or something, I guess. Say, do you happen to have some meth? ‘Cause I could really use some meth.

GJFM
 

Dear GJFM,

My next-door neighbors are evangelical Christians. They’re generally nice people but they keep pressuring me to go to church with them. I’m an atheist and I have no interest in sitting in a church and having somebody tell me I’m going to Hell if I don’t accept Jesus when I have no reason to believe in Hell or Jesus. I don’t want to alienate my neighbors because I like them, but I’m running out of excuses.


Heathen in a bind


Dear Heathen,

Damn. Neighbors can be really pushy. I had a neighbor once who insisted that I rent his sister’s snatch when I knew for a fact that he didn’t have a sister, just an inflatable love doll filled with oatmeal. And his prices were outrageous! Anyway, I know Jesus exists because he used to sell me meth and I hope Hell exists because otherwise I’d have no place to favorably compare my current life against. Got any meth?

GJFM


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Dear GJFM,

In college I studied accounting and economics, but my first job after graduation was a sales job, and I was very successful at it. I was promoted several times and everything seemed great until my company downsized after the economic crisis and now I’ve been laid off. I’m hearing conflicting things about what I should do. Some say I should try to work in accounting because I trained for it, others say I should look for other sales jobs because I’ve got a track record there and still others tell me to try something completely different so that I’ll have a diverse resume. What do you think?


Spaz Chow


Dear Chow,

Here’s what my resume looks like.

1994: Bachelor Of Science in Systems Engineering, Purdue University.

1996: Master Of Business Administration, Duke University.

1996-1998: United States Army Intelligence Officer.

1998-2002: Efficiency technician, Rechtel Technologies Inc.

2002-2003: Meth whore.

2003-2004: General Laborer, McTaggert Lumber Company.

2004-2007: Project Manager, Pilson Systems, LLC.

2007-2010: Meth whore.

2010-present: Advice columnist.

I can’t say enough about the benefits of creating a diverse resume in a variety of different fields and disciplines. It’s made me who I am today. On a related subject, Spaz, do you have any meth? Even a small amount would be acceptable, so long as it’s meth.

GJFM


mackyrug

Dear GJFM,

I’m educated, I have a good job, I’m polite to everyone and I have plenty of friends but I can’t seem to find a decent lady. Every woman I go out with these days is either extremely shallow and materialistic or has some weird, angry issues with men that I don’t feel I should have to deal with since I haven’t done anything to them. What does a nice guy have to do to get a nice girlfriend these days?

Mr. Frustrated Nice Guy


Dear Frus,

I know exactly where you’re coming from, dude. Chicks these days are really hard to please. My suggestion is to give the girl some meth when you go out with her. That way, you’ll know she’ll come back for more and you know she’ll put out when she does. Also, if you have any meth to spare now, I’d appreciate it if you could front me some. I get paid next Tuesday, I’ll make good then.

GJFM
 

Dear GJFM,

I lost my job and I’m nearly out of money. I love my house and my car, but I need to sell one or the other to keep myself afloat for a few months until I can get employed again. There’s good public transportation in my city so I guess I could go without a car. Also, I could stay with my boyfriend for a while which means the house isn’t a total necessity. However, I love both equally. What should I do?

Lady In The Red


Dear Red,

First things first; do you happen to have any meth? Any meth at all? If so, please let me know; I think I’d better get some soon or else I’m going to be in trouble. Now. As for your dilemma, well, I guess it’s all a question of priorities. If it were me, I’d sell the house because the car would be useful for sudden getaways and such. However, it all depends on you. One thing is for certain, though. You can sell your house or sell your car, but whatever you do don’t sell your ass. I don’t care how desperate you are for a pipeful of meth, don’t open your hole for dough. There are some memories, after all, that all the meth in the world cannot erase.


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Folks, I’m really beat, so that’s all for this week. If you have some meth you’d like to share, come on over to 1276 Hopper Avenue Extended, Apt. C5 in the basement, and I’ll dispense any advice you want. And pick up a sandwich or two on your way, preferably pastrami on rye. And a Yoohoo. Make that two Yoohoos.
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