If you’re like me you’re stressed AF about the holidays. Between travel, shopping, and family it’s hard not to anoint a pillow on our beds as the official ‘scream into me pillow’. If you’re at that point, here’s some tasty tweets to help you hang loose!
“My friend’s dog ate a pot brownie yesterday” pic.twitter.com/JVWkaiIu9z— (@TheWeedDaily) December 9, 2017
Fucc off bitcoin, mama has Khol’s Cash— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) December 12, 2017
Speaking of STAR WARS, this Ricky Skaggs album cover looks like Chewbacca if he shaved. pic.twitter.com/JAdcdprNLw— Christopher Sebela (@xtop) November 6, 2014
it’s like I want to get a Christmas tree but it’s just gonna set off a magical chain of holiday surprises that turn my life upside down and teach me how to love again— Karen Kilgariff (@KarenKilgariff) December 14, 2017
Get the fuck. This has to be one of the greatest plot twists of american cinema pic.twitter.com/cSzpexql43— Most Hon. DaddyLongStroke III (@_djrocklee) December 13, 2017
Beat it. Beat it. No one wants to be defeated. Shongda hupfucky. Homga shuntvight. It doesn’t matter who’s wrong or right.— ••• Ahm ••• (@Ahm76) October 21, 2013
please enjoy this pic of my coworkers pig warming his ass by the heater pic.twitter.com/uQXHfHB7T7— knthmas (@painted_eel) December 9, 2017
You might remember me from the episode of Shark Tank where my homemade fireworks blinded guest judge Bethenny Frankel— Daniel Kibblesmith (@kibblesmith) December 13, 2017
Chihuahuas are just spicy wiener dogs.— rofessor Kiosk (@professorkiosk) December 13, 2017
If you sneeze with your eyes open it takes a screenshot of real life— Elliot (@ElliotHetherton) December 12, 2017
Someone just told me about a fetish called MASKING where people make female celebs look like “the mask” pic.twitter.com/awpUc87jHN— caroline goldfarb (@hairoline) December 11, 2017
Me: [soaking raisins in rum]— Mark Magark (@markedly) December 11, 2017
Her: Oh yum! What's this cocktail called?
Me: I call it [throwing lit match into cup] fuck raisins
so my buddy hosts a Spite Elephant party where you bring the worst gift possible and i normally make something for it. here’s 2017 pic.twitter.com/ImButoAxTI— matt lubchansky (@Lubchansky) December 10, 2017
a wink is like a fist bump with your eye— Karen Chee (@karencheee) December 11, 2017
Bank loan officer: why are you borrowing money, and what is your product name?— Vala Afshar (@ValaAfshar) December 9, 2017
Entrepreneur: I want to make cows happy, and the name of my product is 'happy cow'
Bank loan officer: let's do this! pic.twitter.com/VQbG9fAMy7
Sending my dad my Christmas wishlist pic.twitter.com/BBnVQJd9f0— Josh Brown (@JoshBrownJosh) December 10, 2017
*phone battery drops to 92%* you guys, I'm sorry, I'd better go home— Mark Magark (@markedly) December 10, 2017
my son made a jacked up snowman and i haven’t stopped laughing since pic.twitter.com/N9Wgv4DB2Y— 12 Kims A Kimmin’ (@KimmyMonte) December 10, 2017
What do we want?— Mistle-no Marti (@MartiSchodt) December 8, 2017
DRESSES WITH POCKETS!
How do we want them?
FILLED WITH SNACKS!
What kind of snacks?
PREFERABLY A REFRESHING MIX OF SALTY AND SWEET BUT WE'RE NOT TOO PICKY FOCUS ON THE POCKETS