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42Funny
18Die
21,392
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November 02, 2016
Published
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It's no picnic in there.

Look, I know you’re annoyed by me and you want to get rid of me. But it’s not like I chose to be here. Why did you listen to Carly Rae Jepsen’s “Call Me Maybe” on Spotify as you fell asleep if you didn’t want me stuck in this sad mind cave of yours?

I’m a happy song! You’ve got dark shit in here. “Hey I just met you and this is crazy” does not go with the thoughts I see bumping around here, like, “I wonder if anyone would notice if one day I just died.” That’s some scary shit.

There are so many other places I’d rather be. I’d rather be on the paper of the musician who wrote me, or back where you found me on Spotify, or coming out of Carly Rae Jepsen’s mouth at a live concert. Heck, I’d rather be stuck in the head of a dad who only knows me because I’m his daughter’s favorite song. Anywhere but here.

And one more thing: I’m more than just the chorus. If you’re gonna get me stuck in here, at least have the decency to learn me in my entirety. The beginning of my song is actually fairly deep: “I’d trade my soul for a wish, pennies and dimes for a kiss.” Trading your soul for a wish is intense! It would have to be one epic wish to equal trading your soul. I know you would only trade your soul for your mother’s approval, and I know that because it’s a thought I keep bumping into.

Wait — what are you doing?

Are you about to play a different song to drown me out?! Look, I said I didn’t like it in here, but you don’t have to get rid of me! Besides, playing a different song might not work! I might just morph into a tyrannical double-song that will confuse you with lyrics and melody even more than you are now!

No, you feel, no!!!! Not Nirvana’s “Come as You Are.”

You pressed play.

Damnit. I can feel myself…changing…

“But here’s my number and I swear that I don’t have a gun.”

Oh, what have I become? I’m a monster.

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