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April 07, 2015
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Never allow the suspect (you) to tamper with the potential crime scene (also you). Only allow your belly to be touched by men and Republicans. The easiest way to accomplish this is to build an iron cage that ends just above your belly. Give the key to your priest. Don’t have a priest? Wow, you’re dying to go to jail, aren’t you, Abortia?

Indiana woman Purvi Patel is going to prison for 20 years for the cool red-state crime of feticide. Patel ordered abortion drugs online (though it’s not clear if she ever took them) and had a miscarriage, after which she threw the fetus in a dumpster. She was found guilty of feticide and also, mind-bogglingly, of child endangerment — so she’s convicted of killing her baby both before it was born and after.

No one’s saying that Patel is a neat role model or anything, but there’s no clear proof that her baby was born alive or that she did anything to harm it after it was born. There isn’t even any proof that she took the abortion drugs she’s accused of buying, which means she is going to jail for 20 years because she may have had a miscarriage.

Sadly, a miscarriage can happen to anyone, no matter how careful they are and how badly they want their child. So to all you pregnant women/potential felons out there in Indiana, here’s how you can safely continue your pregnancy without going to jail.

Scenario: It’s early in your pregnancy and you want to tell your family the good news.

WRONG: Wait until you’re 10 weeks along to share the news to be sure that everything goes well.
You can’t keep your pregnancy a secret! It’s true, miscarriages are common very early in pregnancy, which is why most people wait to share the news. But if you do unfortunately have a miscarriage, everyone in your life needs to know about it so they can testify in your defense at your murder trial.

RIGHT: Livestream your entire pregnancy from the moment your husband cums.
Set up a public website with a URL like SandrasNotAborting.com or SandrasPregnantNoJailPlease.org. The state of Indiana needs to see that you are not at any point endangering its precious future citizen. Indiana citizens are more important than the things that merely make citizens (women).

Scenario: Your pregnant body’s uncomfortable and you need to text a friend to vent.

WRONG: “OMG my back is killing me! Get this baby out of me! :/ jk lol”
Never tell anyone, even jokingly, that you want your baby to be out of you. Them’s jail thoughts.

RIGHT: “Pregnancy is beautiful jewels, I hope I stay pregnant forever :) :) :) :) i am happy”
This text shows that you would never have an abortion, or allow yourself to miscarry as the weak ones do.

Scenario: You want to gently caress your belly.

WRONG: You do it.
Never allow the suspect (you) to tamper with the potential crime scene (also you).

RIGHT: Only allow your belly to be touched by men and Republicans.
The easiest way to accomplish this is to build an iron cage that ends just above your belly. Give the key to your priest. Don’t have a priest? Wow, you’re dying to go to jail, aren’t you, Abortia?

Scenario: You experience cramps or spotting.

WRONG: Go to the hospital and consult a doctor.
Cramps and spotting are exactly what might happen if your fetus was in distress. Why’s it in distress? Huh? What’d you do to that fetus, Sandra? You distress that fetus? Pack your bloody vagina in towels, we’re taking a ride downtown.

RIGHT: Get in the car, drive to Illinois, and never come back to this garbage state.
What the hell does Indiana have going for it, anyway? Even Iowa has a good creative writing program.

Scenario: You have carried your baby to term and are now in labor.

WRONG: Go to the hospital and allow a qualified OB-GYN to safely deliver your fetus.

RIGHT: What the hell are you still doing in Indiana?

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