This week’s tweets are full of tons of great time-saving tips.
yall tired of boiling water every time you make pasta? boil a few gallons at the beginning of the week and freeze it for later.— childish sadbino (@datassque) July 30, 2017
YOU: [bad, sexistly] women be shoppin!!!— demi adejuyigbe (@electrolemon) July 30, 2017
ME: [woke, wise beyond his years] susan be anthony
This is what happens when you elect Bart instead of Lisa— Glenn Boozan (@boozan) July 31, 2017
HER: I like guys who are self-aware— Jeremy G (@JeremyCanadian) July 24, 2017
HIM: [trying to impress her] We're fictitious characters in a tweet
How did humans make both fargo & the emoji movie this is like if beavers also built cathedrals— Sarah Lazarus (@sarahclazarus) July 31, 2017
my mother was giggling at this and told me to "take a look at that adorable dachshund, he's sleeping", she was looking at a purse: pic.twitter.com/ZyNKaLMxKI— Hannah Murphy (@dumb_hannah) July 30, 2017
[teaching babies to swim]— David Hughes (@david8hughes) July 26, 2017
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
We can put a man on the moon, but we can't put a hat on it? It would look good in a hat— donni saphire (@donni) August 2, 2017
[First date]— Alex with an ex (@psybermonkey) July 26, 2017
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don't think this is gonna work.
M: [trying not to swear in front of kid] SON OF A BACKSTREET BOY— dorothy on peyote (@hellohappy_time) August 2, 2017
Kid: what's a backstreet boy?
M: are you fucking kidding me??!!
I just want to find a nice alibi to settle down with— Deeks (@Adyaces) July 20, 2017
[the invention of knocking]— commie rae jepsen (@themiltron) April 30, 2017
i'm gonna punch your house until you talk to me
The first rule of Fight Club should really be some sort of age restriction.— Yael (@elle91) July 27, 2017
My circle of friends is a pizza.— Marta Effing (@MartaEffing) July 28, 2017
ME: Actually, the phrase is "the proof of the pudding is in the eating." Common misconception.— no great matter (@BringDaNoyz) July 20, 2017
HIM: I literally didn't say anything.
When someone lists mom in their phone contacts it's probably their mom not yours.— danny (@Mardigroan) July 7, 2017
I always keep my cool when using self-checkout machines because I want them to vouch for me as an ally during the robot uprising— Ash (@adult_mom) June 20, 2017
i miss the old days of the internet when men shoveled 17 tons of coal into a modem everyday so i could see one grainy pic of a boob— markydoodoo (@markydoodoo) July 21, 2017
“How lucky can one guy be? I kissed her and she kissed me.” - Dean Martin confusing luck with consent?— Wiseguy Pictures (@WiseguyPictures) August 2, 2017
On Great British Baking Show "adding Mexican flavors" means an extra quarter teaspoon of black pepper & a printed-out picture of cilantro— DC Pierson (@DCpierson) July 29, 2017
Realtor: This house has a great location— vince (@mortimermaiden) July 27, 2017
Me: But what's the square doggage?
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
Thanks to movies & TV, I now expect every casual conversation in a car going thru an intersection to end in a horrible side-impact crash— Mike Scully (@scullymike) July 31, 2017
*coming out of movie theater, adjusting scarf*— Rob Cee (@TheRobCee) July 30, 2017
Well, it's CLEARLY not as good as The Emoji BOOK, but...
i pronounce 'desiigner' the way u2 sings the word "desire" in their 1988 song "desire"— wild thought catalog (@missmollymary) August 1, 2017
I love Trader Joe's cuz when you step inside it feels like Obama is still president— Julia Shiplett (@lertiene) July 26, 2017
YOU BREAKDANCE— ѕpαcecrαғ (@_spacecraf_) July 23, 2017
YOU BUY DANCE!
As you get older you start to realize how little content your parents have produced— A Ghost Saucy (@yerpalmildsauce) July 27, 2017