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October 12, 2016

Paul Ryan is no longer defending Trump, wet socks or these other indefensible things.

As you may have heard, Paul Ryan announced this week that he is no longer defending Donald Trump. Here are a few more things that he vowed never to defend.

Double Dipping

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“Guys, it’s gross, but I accept we are at a point that we can’t eliminate it. My time is better spent improving group get-togethers in other ways.”

Using Your Phone at the Movies

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“Not worth it. Almost everyone probably shares some blame for the culture that allowed this to thrive, but I won’t be cornered into having to try to argue its merits.”

Changing Your Password Like Every Month

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“Annoying. Unavoidable. My job would be easier without it. Nothing I can do to make it go away. Just the kind of thing I need to never waste my time defending.”

Unnecessary Movie Remakes

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“Seems like no matter how low they stoop, some people just won’t stop supporting them. Count me out.”

That New iPhone Without a Headphone Jack

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“How did we allow it to come to this? This thing is out of control. To be fair, the competition does have a pretty big explosion scandal. Still, no one is going to make me speak out in favor of it.”

Wet Socks

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“Not sure why I ever would ever have to defend something as disgusting as wearing wet socks, but then again, I’ve been pressured on to justify worse.”