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July 07, 2017

Is your child the personification of margarine?

Raising a kid can be tough. Raising a kid that turns out to be a dud is a god damn life sentence. While some parents get to hang with their cool children, a dud’s parents are stuck at home cleaning Nesquik out of their Gateway computer. In order to avoid a lifetime of resenting your lemon of a child, you must first identify whether or not you’re raising the personification of margarine. Here are 5 ways to tell if your kid is a dud:

Your child joins the latest trends way too late


“Here for the nookie!”

Joining the fidget spinner craze three weeks too late is one thing; wearing a red baseball hat to mimic Fred Durst in 2017 is a completely different story. Not understanding the topical temperature is a big factor in what makes a kid a dud. If you find yourself cleaning up Carson Daily pogs while your son tells you to “Suck It” you should keep reading.

Your child lacks self-awareness and craves attention


“Putting the spice in Hospice!”

Much like the pee guard on Grandpa’s deathbed, a dud will soak up any attention that comes his way. A lack of audience will not stop your little dud from capturing Grandpa’s last moments through the “Sierra” filter on his Instagram #Deadgrandpa#followme

Would you offer a reward if your child went missing?


If a dud is lost in the woods, does anyone care if he makes it out?

Sometimes you can tell if your child is a dud not by his actions, but your own. If your child went missing, how long would it take before you contacted the authorities? If that question made you hesitate for just a moment, your kid may be the dud!

Is your child’s best friend a big glass of milk?


Got friends?

Have you ever found milk trails leading from the kitchen to your son’s room? Do all of your milk carton’s consistently have new friendship bracelets on them? When your son sees you adding milk to your coffee, does he freak out and yell “YOU’RE KILLING HIM!!!” If you’ve answered yes to any of these questions, your son is well on his way to being a milk-dud.

Is your child slightly faded out in most photos?


Dud-ley Do-Wrong

Does looking at old family photos make you think of Casper: The Friendly Ghost, but instead of “Friendly” your brain wants to say “Shitty”? If your kid is consistently faded out in photos, your camera may be trying to say what your heart has been telling you all these years. Although a picture is worth a thousand words, know that “love” may not be one of them. Looks like you got the dud!