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October 23, 2008
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I’m Fucking Sick of Joe

Jim McPartland

 

Joe used to be coffee. Nice. Then Lieberman spun his dopey head like Linda Blair in The Exorcist- and now the technically plunger trained misfit from Ohio rises from the ashes of nondom. If the guy’s not a plant by the RNC, he should be. But if I read another thing about his 15 minutes of fame, I will puke.

Now there’s Joe the Carpenter, Joe the Janitor, Joe the CEO. Joe Six Pack has been left in the Alaskan tundra. With Sarah and the dead moose. Right next to where they’re drilling oil by the Bridge to Nowhere that’s yet to be built.

I hustled home last Thursday night to be totally disappointed by the SNL Prime Time show. I know it’s hard to write good stuff in one day but it was totally lame and without Tina Fey, unwatchable. Where’s McKay when you need him? Seth Myers- there’s a reason you’re still there and not bolting like Amy Poehler and all the other true talent. David Spade, you ain’t.

So let’s go to the news story I did find interesting concerning ashes.

In Corning, CA a daughter and son were arrested for embezzlement, elder abuse and conspiracy. All because their Grandmother wanted to die at home and be cremated. They just took it a couple of giant steps too far. Without asking “Mother, may I?”

Kathleen Allmond and son Tony Ray decided to pay their mother/grandmother the ultimate in final respects.

Ramona Allmond, 84, died around December 4 ‘07. Kathleen and Tony let her lie on the bedroom floor for around a week while they decided how to deal with her properly. Oh, they kept cashing her social security checks. Ramona would have wanted it that way.

It wasn’t until another son, Edmond, called the Sheriff’s Department, asking to check on his mother. It was then discovered Kathleen and Tony had built a 3’ by 3’ concrete pit, filled it with Olive wood, and toasted Ramona for 17 hours until she was a marshmallow sans sticky white stuff.

With all the final RIP Ramona deserved, they then filled in the pit and planted a tree.

Which would be fine until it was discovered, courtesy of a MySpace page, Kathleen saved a skull fragment and hung it on a necklace.

I can picture Kathleen down in the pit after 16 hours, raking through the rubble saying “Goddamn it Tony! I have to have a memento! Why’d you let her burn so long?? Oh—wait! There’s a piece of her! Now I can relax. Where am I gonna put this? Oh, I know! On my necklace!”

“By the way- did we get her check today? I need to buy some milk. And more string. I’m almost done with the candy at the other end of my necklace”.

There were writings on the walls in the house “expressing hatred towards society”. Edmond had become suspicious when he’d called, only to have Kathleen pretend she was Ramona. The Wolf from Little Red Riding Hood has nothing on Kathleen, that mastermind she is.

Kathleen and Ray may also face charges of burial without a permit.

In the grand scheme of things, most of us are not as creative as we should be. Permits? Who needs a stinking permit? Obituary? Weenie toast in backyard with donations to Greenpeace for Economical Heat.

And they could vote. So that makes Joe look like a straight thinking saint.

America. Gotta love it.

Joe makes my stomach a tad less upset now.

Kumbaya, anyone?

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