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October 28, 2010

The famed Southern mascot is dead. Here is the story

Colonel Rebel, the once hallowed mascot for the University of Mississippi, died today in his plantation home in Oxford, Mississippi after a long struggle with the late 20th and early 21st centuries. Colonel Rebel was in his dress uniform of the Confederate States of America and surrounded by friends and family when he passed. On his dying breath the good Colonel quoted Nathaniel Bedford Forrest, another hero of the Southern cause,

No damn man kills me and lives.

Colonel Rebel was known simply as Colonel Reb to all. He sprang to life in the pages of the University of Mississippi's 1938 yearbook. The look for the Colonel was inspired by Jim Ivy, the blind son of a slave, who sold peanuts at the school and was considered its mascot. The only difference in appearance was that Mr Ivy was African-American while the Colonel was as white as virgin snow.

Colonel Reb unofficially cheered on the school's football team the "Rebels" from the sidelines from the 1940's until 1979. The year 1979 will always be fondly remembered because the Colonel officially became part of the cheer team. Dressed in his antebellum ensemble Colonel Rebel was an inspiration to all traditionally minded Southerners. He was callously dismissed from the cheer squad in 2003 by the University's overseers. In a secret memo leaked to this blog the University stated that the Colonel's incessant cross burning, pro-Intelligent Design rants, and of course the lynchings, were not considered a problem. The issue at hand was that the times had changed and the University didn't wish to be associated with anyone looking like that peddler of high fat high cholesterol fried chicken, Colonel Sanders. The new mascot will be the proactive/paradigm breaking Rebel Black Bear.

Upon his forced retirement Colonel Rebel spent his time time playing his fiddle, attending the local Southern Baptist church, and bonding with other controversial mascots. Here are some kind words from a few of his friends.

The Colonel was a pleasant fellow as long as the Blacks, Jews, or Papists were not mentioned.  - Honest Injun Joe, mascot of Bismark College  

We had our differences, but he was a gentleman through and through. - Blackie the Blackshirt, mascot of Il Duce University

He was my hero. - Christine O'Donnell, mascot of the Delaware Republican Party

The memorial service is invitation only. Donations in the memory of Colonel Reb may be sent to Focus on the Family.