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September 16, 2015

I interrupted an African-American woman to mansplain diversity, here's why!

Hey everybody, world-famous actor and philanthropist Matt Damon here. You may have heard that I recently interrupted an African-American film professional in order to help her understand more about diversity on my mostly white television program. I need everyone to know that this has all been a huge misunderstanding! I misunderstood that everyone can hear my voice when I say things. For the last two decades I was under the impression that when I spoke, only my best friend Ben Affleck could hear me.

Let me mansplain! (Am I using that term correctly? I like it. It’s like explaining, but better.)
When Good Will Hunting made us famous, I was thrilled until I realized that Ben Affleck is bigger and hotter than me in every way. He was the fan favorite, everyone wanted his autograph, girls would only rub themselves on his body and never on mine. Suddenly interviewers only ever wanted to ask him questions, so I figured he spoke for us both now.

As the years passed by, there were so many instances where interviewers would stare at me blankly as I mansplained the struggles of poverty, lack of access to education, what it’s like to have a vagina, all these things they knew nothing about. When they would look at me with bug eyes, I realized they couldn’t hear me at all! But Ben could hear me just fine so I talked to him all the time because he’s so cool. I love talking to him. He’s my best friend.

The nail in the coffin was when I saw myself depicted in Team America: World Police. I peed myself laughing so many times watching that movie. That is, until I saw my dumb puppet face and puppet-me only saying my own name! Then I peed myself crying. All my life I thought I was speaking, when I was really just repeating my name to people!

Now I know what you’re thinking: But Matt Damon, you talk all the time! Yeah, with people always gazing just above my hairline into Ben’s smoky eyes, I never realized anyone could register the sound of my voice. Once in an interview, I mansplained that I like the idea of cotton candy but the texture is confusing to my tongue, and no one said a word! If I knew you were all hearing me, I would’ve tried to develop some better thoughts by this point in my life.

OH MY GOD, DOES THIS MEAN YOU COULD ALL HEAR ME IN THE THIRD BOURNE MOVIE…………….I am mortified. The first two were decent, but the third one I wasn’t even pretending to do the lines, I was just talking because talking is fun!

The good thing that has come out of all this is that I found out all those fans were screaming for me and not, as I had assumed, because Ben Affleck has been standing right behind me my whole life. I’ve always felt like I was just an extension of Ben, like a baby bjorn strapped to the chest of stardom. But I have Matt Damon fans! I’m so man-xcited!

All I am trying to say is that I have an excuse for my lack of interest in diversity. It’s not a good excuse, but it is an excuse, so you have to forgive me now. Thanks so much for listening! For always listening…

Love Always,

Ben Affleck’s Friend