Stats & Data

August 12, 2016

Bourne has been a nuisance for too many years and it's making us look bad.

CIA Operatives - Internal Memo Re: Jason Bourne

We need to have a frank discussion about Jason Bourne.

He’s been a thorn in our side for too long. No matter how many times we try to stop him from upending our most secret and shameful operations, he keeps showing us up. And it’s getting embarrassing.

We’ve been chasing Bourne since 2002 and we’re still letting a guy with extremely disorienting memory loss get the best of us. Partially, we’ve fallen into a trap of our own making: we trained Bourne to be an assassin. We’re to blame for his instinctual, subconscious abilities to fight and weasel his way out of bad situations. But that also means we should be one step ahead! My god, he’s not that slippery of an eel!

Can we at least start by not letting him get his hands on so many passports and loose cash?

Let’s stop worrying about cleaning up the evidence of our manhunt for Bourne and finish the manhunt itself. No more fixing broken windows and bribing the media to not cover the destructive aftermath of our chases on foot, in boats and in cars through sun-drenched apartments, rooftops, and cobbled streets of every European capital. Let’s get him first and then worry about damage control.

We’re the CIA! We topple governments! So why does this one man with bad memory and near-debilitating PTSD constantly foil us?

We have a lot on our plate, I know. International terror and digital threats are constantly cropping up. But I think I speak for all of us when I say that I’m completely fixated on this one little freak Jason running circles around us. One guy! Who’s made us shutter-up very secret, very expensive programs!

I’m sick of killing so many people who just happen to be around Jason Bourne, while he rides away in a cool car. I’m sick of all of his good, fast cars.

I’m not mad at you, you’re all doing great work. As director, I just don’t know what I’m doing anymore. I joined the CIA to make a difference, to be a foreign policy operative for a nation that has given me so much. But in reality, I’ve spent nearly 15 years chasing some pretty boy all over creation to keep him from discovering his real name. This isn’t what I imagined my life would be.

And for God’s sake, can we stop assuming that he’s dead? He always disappears and reappears, but he’s never dead. Never.

It seems like Bourne’s just taunting us. Catching him is something we have to do for ourselves, so we can sleep at night. Frankly, I can’t even remember why we’re mad at each other anymore. It doesn’t matter. We need to catch him. I’m just so sick of him and his attractive girlfriends continuing to bedevil us with his fancy running and his fancy fighting.

We’re the dang CIA. Let’s act like it.