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April 07, 2015

Three years later, art historians are finding hidden tributes to Thomas Kinkade's favorite historical figures in his works.

Famed “Painter of Light” and malevolent alcoholic Thomas Kinkade has been dead for three years this week, but his work is still boring garbage that will not stand the test of time.

Or is it? A group of art historians were mistakenly locked into an Airbnb home owned by the 50-year-old single New England woman and found some truly disturbing figures lurking in the background of some of Kinkade’s most famous work.


“The Open Gate,” 1999

Can you find the famous murderer of thirty men, women and children hidden in “The Garden”?

It’s John Wayne Baby!


“The Guiding Light,” 2005

Somewhere in this gorgeous Lighthouse watercolor (one of 5,000 that Kinkade completed) is a 19th century murderer, waiting to snap the neck of the first unsuspecting woman to walk past him in this secluded setting.

It’s H.H. Holmes, who had his own murder hotel. Executed by hanging, baby!


“Summer’s Heritage,” 2011

This class clown gone consumer of human flesh is waiting to deep fry a man stricken by Kinkadian poverty and a beautiful garden!

Well if it isn’t Jeffrey Ding Dong Dahmer!


I couldn’t find the name of this painting because there are so many other Thomas Kinkade paintings that look exactly like it.

Christmas scenes are very popular with Kinkade, who idolized the work of Walt Disney, which is why there are no Hanukkah paintings.

Find the bad boy in the pic, okay?

It’s Jack the Ripper, driving an old timey car even though he wasn’t alive for cars.The hooker he’s driving to The Salvation Army is fucked!


“The Valley of Peace,” 1997

Kinkade didn’t paint cabins in the middle of nowhere without good cause, the same way that he intentionally painted indoor light in a way that could only happen if the home had been set on fire.

The Zodiac Killer in heaven, watching over a landscape that looks terrific on a magnet.


“Footprints in the Sand,” 2007

Surf’s up on this very unstable-looking pier! Too bad everyone here is going to kill themselves from PTSD after Kinkade’s disturbing artistic vision is realized.

It’s Aileen Wuornos in her best disguise yet. No Christina Ricci bird sex, unfortunately. Gif technology isn’t there yet.


Christmas Something, Late 90s? Maybe? Google Images signed me up for Oprah’s e-newsletter after too many Kinkade-related searches.

Has Thomas Kinkade ever heard of Kwanzaa? Does it make his blood turn to stone?

Also, Ted Bundy lurks in the river with thirty casualties and a marriageable head of hair.

The final hidden message is deeply encrypted in Thomas Kinkade’s high-paid ode to Disney films from the early 2010s, indicating that his fat, alcoholic fingers were on the pulse not just of the moment, but of the future. Can you find the serial killer in this “Lion King” tribute?


“The Lion King,” 2011

Bobby Dingo! He didn’t do those bad things!

There’s likely hundreds of other hidden messages in Kinkade’s work, but researchers found themselves unable to tell the other paintings apart from the two to three recurring themes in the garbage artist’s work.

Rest in peace, buddy! (The serial killers.)