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December 18, 2014
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Why not remove the date-rapey lyrics from Christmas classic "Baby it's Cold Outside"? And while we're at it, why not set the song in a world where no man will do that, ever again?

Whether or not we admit it, we all love Christmas carols. (Yes, even the Jews. We hear you humming “Joy to the World,” Jews.) And no Christmas song contains more festive coziness than “Baby it’s Cold Outside.” Unfortunately it’s very creepy. Lyrics like “The answer is no,” and “Hey, what’s in this drink,” no matter how sweetly sung, make it sound like “Baby it’s Cold Outside” is chronicling an evening with Bill Cosby.

Some comedians decided to remove the offending lyrics, but they didn’t stop there. Not only is this version of “Baby it’s Cold Outside” less date-rapey, it’s set in a new world where women have the power and no man will threaten a woman ever again. Have a listen below.

And here are the lyrics:

(I really can’t stay) But, baby, it’s cold outside
(I’ve got to go away) But, baby, it’s cold outside
(I’m late for my job) Been hoping that you’d drop in
(In the U.S. Senate) I’ll hold your hands they’re just like ice

( Pelosi will start to worry) Beautiful, what’s your hurry
(This bill I wrote is up on the floor) Listen to the fireplace roar
(And you should be at Montessori) Beautiful, please don’t hurry
(Don’t make our daughters wait any more) I’ll rub your tired feet while I pour

(You’re being a pain) Baby, it’s cold outside
(Come on, stop disobeyin’) Baby, it’s cold outside
(You’re my favorite husband) This padlock hurts my throat
(Of my six husbands) Oh, how I wish that men could vote

(You’re starting to sound repetitious) The wind chill out there is vicious
(This refrain is getting old) The snow is a sight to behold
(You’re only a cyborg love slave) beep boop
(Programmed to tell me it’s cold) It’s really, really, quite cold

(Men are extinct) They’ve been replaced with cyborgs
(And now women rule) That’s the situation
(We’re all in the Senate) We all look like Chris Hemsworth
(And you all wear Speedos) That’s why we’re so cold all the time

(I guess I can blow off work) You really need some you time
(And our daughters have their own cyborg slaves) All hail womenkind
(Let’s stay in and have sex) I’ll boot up my dick
[Both] Baby, it’s cold outside

She: Merry Christmas.
He: Beep boop.

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