The Ancient Enemy: Why Old People Are Destroying America

Note: I go to a university in New York City and this was an actual essay that I wrote in my English 110 class. This is actually the only paper that I have ever flat out received an F on. My teacher was a 70 something southern woman, so naturally I chose to write an essay about why old people are destroying America. Needless to say, she did not agree. All of her comments will be marked in red.

   In the world, there are multitudes of freeloaders who insist on depleting our economy, food supply, and natural resources. Every person has seen one of these freeloaders, or as they are also known, "senior citizens." Their helplessness, sense of entitlement, and lack of social skills only serve as a burden on society. These ghoulish geezers are characterized by their powder white hair, or lack thereof, their reliance on some sort of walking apparatus, wrinkled parchment-like skin, and an extreme distaste of children on their lawn. Whilst they hobble among us, one thing is painfully obvious; old people are a burden on modern civilization.
    Their regression from once sensible beings to an almost child-like mentality is not only disturbing, but also highly dangerous! Would one allow their toddler to drive a car? Then why should one allow a senior citizen to do so? The old folks are in a constant state of pain, something that they enjoy altering the rest of the world to as they are known to constantly complain about minuscule problems such as a failing heart, arthritis, broken hips, or some other ailment. These problems are minuscule? Not only is the incessant whining painful and harmful to the ears of the youth, but it also leads to larger problems. These seniors selfishly horde all of the world's medicine for themselves. Medicine should be meant for the younger generation so that they are able to grow strong and hopefully never reach the frail old state that the seniors have foolishly gotten themselves into. Old people have suffered through things like the Great Depression and World Wars, so therefore they should be able to take a little more suffering and refrain from their selfish attitudes.
    For the most part, they do not work. Absolutely not true. These menaces are actually paid for being lazy! If all senior citizens were forced to do physical labor, think of how many more McDonalds, Burger Kings, and other fast food establishments could be built and operated! Not only would this help the economy, but it would also free up all of the rocking chairs that the old people occupy so that the youth might have the pleasure of aimlessly rocking back and forth while eating their apple sauce as well.
    Old people are constantly depressing. They remind the rest of society of what they will eventually become. Looking at them is like constantly staring into the ice cold eye sockets of the Grim Reaper. They tell their depressing sob stories of those they had once known dying, or about how they fell going down the stairs and broke their hip. They just won't stop preaching their negativity, assuming rather rudely that they have earned any rights of superiority just because they have become older and weaker than the rest of the population.
     To be fair, some seniors have transcended the stereotype (but very real reality) which has been presented. These special seniors are to be lauded for their achievements, but the ones who could not achieve must be looked upon in disgust. No pity is necessary, for they do not have feelings. Human emotion no longer means anything to them.
    It is important that one must never wish death upon a senior. One must just pray that they find a purpose, or that they just stop talking. While their burden is obvious, one must still love them.

Talk to me:
As a senior citizen - one of these people you are talking about - I hardly know how to take this paper. It is so totally malevolent that one thinks you must be joking - yet you write with enough mastery to make your reader think you mean exactly what you say. In the sense that your purpose is not clear - you don't provide the cues to help the reader know how to interpret what you are saying.

Gee, I guess the parts about heart disease being minuscule, comparing seniors to toddlers, discussing their lack of human emotion, and the idea of forcing them to do physical labor really makes for a convincing non-satirical argument.