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August 01, 2011

Even 'drowning in lava' doing surprisingly well, according to poll.

     Once considered one of the worst deaths imaginable, “drowning in water” has beaten long-standing favorite “while asleep in bed” in a recent death preference poll, thanks in large part to recent record-breaking temperatures sweeping the nation.

     “This is the first year I’ve picked drowning” confirms perspiring voter Frank Redding. “I used to think dying in my bed was the way to go, but I doubt I'd be going peacefully with clingy bedsheets sticking on my sweaty body. I decided I’d rather have crisp, cool water filling up my lungs any day.”

     The poll results show that “asleep in bed” was not the only fatality to suffer from the abnormally hot weather. Traditional number two, “surrounded by family and friends” dropped an astonishing twenty spots as voters considered the reality of thirty stinky, wet people occupying a tiny hospital room. Unlikely favorites emerged in its place, including “a lethal brain freeze”, “being beaten to death with an ice tray”, and “having icicles jammed through my eye sockets.” 

     “I’ve never picked anything besides ‘in the arms of a loved one’” confesses widow Judy Davis. “I miss my Harry dearly. But as nice as it would be to hold him just one last time, I know it would feel like hugging a swamp. I went with my heart, ‘having my head crushed by a glacier’.”