18 Funny Votes
2 Die Votes
Published December 23, 2013

Specialists in ancient language study at Harvard University have deciphered tattered parchments to the best of their ability this week that they say are “clearly remains from Jesus Christ’s Bar Mitzvah candle lighting ceremony.” The documents, which date back to 13 A.D., contain the names of Christ’s close family and friends as well as a number of lighthearted rhymes that describe what activities he likes to take part in while spending time with them. The English translation can be seen below:


To the Three Wise Men, Jim, Bill, and Rob,

Our time in that manger sure was great.

So please join me,

In lighting candle 8.


Aunt Carol, Uncle Mort, and Cousin Rebecca,

Our camping trips have been divine.

Won’t you please help me,

Lighting candle number 9?


To my brothers James, Joses, Judas, and Simon,

Sure we fight now and then.

But I love you because I’m Jesus… and we’re related,

So let’s light candle number 10.


Mary and Joseph, my mom and stepdad,

My Bar Mitzvah reception has been Heaven.

As a thank you for letting “Sports” be my theme,

Please join me in lighting candle 11.


God, who couldn’t be here in person,

Nothing rhymes with 12.

But I know you’re watching over me,

As “we” light candle number 12.


To all of my middle school classmates,

I think you’re all pretty keen.

Whether you’re a friend from our studies or are on the basketball team,

You’re invited up here to light candle 13.