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December 04, 2015
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Facebook's new app claims to get the photos of you trapped in your friends' phones, but why bother when you can just verbally harass them!

Just like everyone else on this planet, I spend most of my time obsessing over how I can obtain the precious photos of myself that are trapped in my friends’ phones. You know, the photos that they took of me that I have never seen and am therefore unable to share or just stare at and remember. The photos that they keep from me, my “friends” or, what they really are, the miserly photo-goblins I am forced to share my time with. The depraved, they clutch them and I will have them….

So imagine how excited I was when I found out about Facebook’s new app Moments!

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Finally, someone is acknowledging the hell I live in! I NEED TO LOOK BACK ON MY PHOTOS! I CRAVE THE MEMORIES THEY WILL INSPIRE! But then I realized, I already have a great system for getting the photos I didn’t take. I bully them out of my friends and family, check it out!


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It’s easy, it’s fast, and it gets results. If a Facebook message doesn’t work then I’ll often call the greedy photo squirrels and demand the photos over the phone. I usually take a co-workers phone to make the call so they actually pick up (most people know by this point that if I am calling them it is to demand photos of myself that they are hoarding).
If calling doesn’t work I have made good on many of my physical threats. I have a criminal record I am proud of and I am well known to my local police after the bastards tried to keep my mugshot from me.

So while I am glad Facebook Moments exists so the softer among us can get their photos, this is one technological advance I think I just don’t need. Once again, thanks but no thanks, Facebook.

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