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Published June 24, 2008

Note: For some reason this blog got deleted, along with everyone's comments. Sorry about that!

Well, I guess I neglected to introduce myself, yesterday. I was just so eager to jump right in!

Anyway, I'm Eric Filipkowski and I like to go out to chain restaurants. That's really all you need to know about me.

All the important events of my life happen at and revolve around chain restaurants. Chili's, Applebee's, TGI Friday's. Not Bennigan's though.

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It was at an Outback Steakhouse that I decided they need to make all seeing eye dogs really ugly. To the point where you don't want to pet them.

I guess since they are "service dogs" who are "doing a job," you're really not supposed to put out your hand and play with them or give them some of your Bloomin' Onion.

They are worried that you'll distract the dog and then the blind guy will walk off a cliff or into oncoming traffic or something equally hilarious. That's what I have surmised.

The thing is, when you see a cute dog walking through a restaurant, it's surprising and your natural instinct is to go over to them and start petting them, right? Plus, they're usually wearing a vest or something and animals wearing clothes are just naturally much cuter. Everybody knows that.

So my solution, that I thought up, is that they should take these dogs and maybe when they're puppies, they should throw acid on them or burn them or something. That way, they'll be super ugly and people will look at them and go, "Oh shit, that thing is scary looking. I'm not petting that!" And then the dog can go about its business and do its job.

Makes sense to me.

Maybe you think it's a little extreme to throw acid in a cute puppy's face, but I don't mean like the kind of acid that will kill it or nothing. Just enough to horribly disifigure it, without making it blind or incapable of doing its job.

So then the dog is really ugly, nobody wants to pet it and the blind guy doesn't care, cuz he's blind anyway. Everybody wins!

And then I don't get my trip to Outback ruined by some hothead screaming at me not to give his dog a chocolate bar.

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I'm not sure if any of you are old enough to remember this, but there used to be a restaurant in Century City that was called "Dive". It was owned by Steven Spielberg and it was a submarine.

It closed a long time ago, right before I moved out to LA.

I can't really express to you how much that hurts.

My whole life, I have dreamed of eating dinner inside a submarine. My club foot has kept me out of the Navy, so when I heard about this restaurant, I figured that was my one shot.

I was going to make a special trip out here, just so I could live out my fantasy, but Mr. Cheapskate thought to himself, "Nah, save your money. Once you move, you'll go there every day!"

When I finally did make the big move, it was too late. It was closed forever.

Now I'm forced to risk getting my Annual Passport taken away because I try and sneak Fruit Roll-ups into Finding Nemo down at Disneyland.

It's just not the same.

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