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November 28, 2014

Someone's getting fired over this one...


This morning, Star Wars fans caught an exciting glimpse of what to expect next year after a piece of malware caused all Disney owned media companies to prematurely release their movie reviews for the upcoming seventh installment titled The Force Awakens, now filming in London.

Already dealing with the leaked teaser trailer, Disney and its news organizations, including dozens of ABC affiliates quickly began removing the online reviews while Star Wars fans took to social media begging the public not to share any spoilers.

Ricky Strauss, Disney’s president of marketing, assured moviegoers who are anxious to see the highly anticipated film when it opens next summer that no major plot points or surprises were at risk of being leaked. “All film reviews are carefully coordinated with the marketing department to make sure nothing ever ruins the experience of watching the magic unfold before your eyes,” Strauss explained from Walt Disney headquarters in Burbank. “Did you actually read a single review for The Avengers? I mean come on, it’s just coffee for fanboys.”

Worried fans can look forward to mostly favorable reviews that will praise the direction of J.J. Abrams for his liberal use of lens flare. Others, like Good Morning America’s David Blaustein will laude the script as a return to form for the 30 year old franchise.

“The daring decision to bring back the original cast was certainly a gamble,” Blaustein will have written, going on to mention that between the iconic characters, familiar John Williams score and dazzling special effects “we have a silver screen hat-trick not seen since the Mighty Ducks trilogy.”

While the majority of reviews will focus heavily on how much the new space adventure film is not like the previous Star Wars prequels and way more like the original films or “that awesome Clone Wars cartoon,” one reviewer on Rotten Tomatoes known only as #JarJar2015 will lament the diminished role of humorous and cute side kicks.

As of Wednesday afternoon, all the reviews had been successfully removed apart from a few screen grabs on Reddit.