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December 06, 2012

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. “This is one of those days,” to misquote Fred Durst. You can find more at http://brianunderstands.tumblr.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

Starbucks plans to open 1,500 more locations in the U.S. within the next five years. "I give up," said reality.

Jazz musician Dave Brubeck passed away Wednesday. His peers will remember him fondly as "that white guy, you know, the only white guy."

Citigroup announced it will be cutting 11,000 jobs to reduce costs. Said the corporation, "Despite being a bank, we have no idea how to save money." Though that explains why my ATM printed out a copy of its resume on the back of my receipt.

Mel Gibson recently said he "may reach out" to Lindsay Lohan to help her. This just in: Lindsay Lohan is dead.

A new study suggests smoking makes hangovers worse. Scientists say the theory is based on the fact that people generally don't want a headache AND cancer.

Following remarks about how no one knows the age of the Earth, Sen. Marco Rubio now says, “There is no scientific debate...it’s at least 4.5 billion years old.” In comparison, Republicans acting like they hate science then acting as if they understand it is only 2.3 billion years old.

For the first time ever, Saudi Arabia will include photos of women in its textbooks. "So it does take two to tango," said dance students.

A Penn State sorority caused controversy after members posed for pictures while dressed as Mexican stereotypes and holding signs that read "I Don't Cut Grass I Smoke It." In related news, Joe Paterno could not be happier with his decision to die when he did.

"Scandalous," the Broadway musical written by Kathie Lee Gifford, has closed after running just three weeks. Taking its place will be a much younger, less erratic musical written by Kelly Ripa.

Musician Jack White said his negative comments about Lady Gaga were taken out of context. Meanwhile, former bandmate Meg White said her negative comments weren't even audible.

CNN's Anderson Cooper says he lost his eyesight for 36 hours while on assignment in Portugal. Which is actually the best way to visit Portugal.

Both the world's oldest woman and the world's tallest woman died this week. Said the oldest woman, "Let me try giving YOU a piggyback ride for once."

The New Orleans Hornets denied that the team is changing its name to the Pelicans. Because with a record of 5-12, a Pelican may exaggerate how threatening you are.

Derek Jeter responded to photos in the New York Post that made him appear fat.  Likewise, the man who took the photo promises he was just trying to signal to the chef to stop cooking for Jeter.

Former New York Mayor Ed Koch was hospitalized on Tuesday. Authorities have assured his family he's seeing only the best tree ogre specialists in the city.