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Published March 05, 2012 More Info »
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Grandma.
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Published March 05, 2012

My grandma calls me at least four nights a week. Most of the time I cannot bring myself to pick up the phone. Some of you have heard the voicemails, you know how painful it can be. Some of you have tried to convince me to pick up the call. "She's lonely". Yeah I know, so am I, it's the human condition. It never goes away; it seethes at you until you die, so you may as well get used to it. Of course you cant tell your gramma that, right? You just have to act polite, which is stressful for me. And you know how I'm always stressed out for now reason, so...

Anyway, recently she calls and starts right in on telling me what is new in Grandma's life (she speaks exclusively in the third person). She tells me what she did during the day ("Grandma had an appointment this moring..."), whether she had any visitors ("Uncle Steve came over and we played scrabble"), and what she had for dinner ("Grandma just opened up a can of soup for herself").  

Then the convo turns to me. "Grandma wants to know what you had for dinner".  I told her Josh ordered mexican food, and it must have been some combination of a burrito and a taco because she had to ask, "Now, tell grandma, what's the difference between a buritto and a taco?" I tried to explain the difference, but I'm not sure she got it. Then she started naming off all kinds of mexican foods that she could remember, just to prove to herlsef that she could remember. "There's quesadillas, and tacos, and what else?"

So, of course I have to start naming mexican foods to keep the conversation going. "Tamales", I say.

She replies, quite sure of herself, "they dont eat those as much as they used to".

Really grandma? Really? Like, how exactly do you know that? You dont even know the difference between a taco and a buritto, so how would you know the relative consumption of tamales from bygone days? Did you see it on 60 minutes? Im sure you didn't because I watch 60 minutes pretty much every Sunday, and I would've remembered that segment.

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