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Published October 12, 2011 More Info »
239 Funny Votes
28 Die Votes
8,575 Views
Published October 12, 2011
 
 I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, By turning 
 to religion.. I was soon able to come to terms with thewhole thing.
 I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!
 -----------------------------------------------------------
 The wife suggested I get myself one of those dick enlargers, so
 I did....she's 21 and her name's Lucy.
 -----------------------------------------------------------
 Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were
 Shouting "paedophile!" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend
 Is 21 and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.
 -----------------------------------------------------------
 The thing I love most about this hot weather is the short skirts
 and low cut tops.... although, they do make me look a bit gay.
 -----------------------------------------------------------
 Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent
 Show, a spokesman said "We'll struggle to get another man of the same
 calibre."
 -----------------------------------------------------------
 My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his
 class give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year! You'd
 better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."
 -----------------------------------------------------------
 Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a brick?
 A: The brick doesn't follow you home after you lay it.
 -----------------------------------------------------------
 Remember the 7 qualities for the perfect girlfriend...****
 Beautiful, Intelligent, Gentle, Thoughtful, Innocent, Trustworthy,
 Sensible.****
 Or in other words........... B.I.G.T.I.T.S.
 -----------------------------------------------------------
 Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Only used it
 For half an hour, as I started to feel sick. It's great though. It does
 everything -
 KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato Crisps, the lot.."
 -----------------------------------------------------------
 Question - Are there too many immigrants in Britain ?****
 17% said yes; 11% said No; 72% said "I am not understanding the question
 please."
 -----------------------------------------------------------
 On my Census form there is a question "Do you have any dependants?"
 Apparently putting "Hundreds of Africans, Pakis, Somalians, single mums,
 Romanians, loafers, smack heads, and non-English speaking people" isn't 
 the
 right answer.
 They've sent my form back!
 -----------------------------------------------------------
 Prince William says he doesn't want the traditional fruit cake at his
 wedding.
 Prince Phillip says he doesn't give a toss, he's still going.
 -----------------------------------------------------------
 The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with 
 me
 because she can't afford batteries!
 -----------------------------------------------------------
 Some bastard's just pinched a pair of my wife's panties off the washing
 line.
 She's not bothered about the panties but she wants the 12 clothes pins
 back.
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