A blueberry pie to the kisser of the US-backed governor of a tumultuous province of Afghanistan last weekend was the most recent attack by Al-Pieda, an international syndicate that officials of the CIA, MI6 and other western intelligence agencies refer to as a “determined yet decidedly silly Islamic terror organization.”
Al-Pieda International Jihad director Mohammed Al-Kaweezy, thought to be based somewhere along the Afghan/Freedonian border issued a statement through a tape handed to an Al-Jazeera reporter.
In the video Al-Kaweezy, dressed as a rhino but for his orange afro wig, claimed responsibility for the attack and proclaimed a “Holy baked goods resistance” against America and its allies waging their “satanic war against Islam.” After his speech he took out a kazoo and began a performance of “Miserlou” that wasn’t half bad.
Previously, the organization is believed to have been behind a 2008 attack on US Marines stationed near Amarah, Iraq, where they were pelted with cranberry-raisin muffins and orange bear claws. To the embarrassment of US officials, the marines responded by picking up the starchy snacks and eating them, saying that they were far better than the MRE’s they normally subsist on, even after having been dropped on the ground.
Al-Pieda isn’t the most dangerous terror group out there,” said U.S. department of homeland security official Bambi Kalak, “or the most serious. However, they can be very annoying and when one of those aluminum pie pan edges hit your forehead or nose they can really smart.”
In order to guard themselves against Al-Pieda and similar groups, the US defense department considered for a time arming all allied forces in Afghanistan and Iraq with seltzer bottles, but when a few units were so equipped last spring it only led to seltzer-fights that were described as “counter-productive.”
“American forces wasting time spraying each other with seltzer?” said Captain Charles Tarlez, a defense department spokesman. “That’s just what Al-Pieda would want.”