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August 24, 2008


* WELLINGTON — A New Zealand court has allowed a parade of topless porn stars on motor bikes to take their mammary madness to Main Street. The Boobs on Bikes Parade is being protested by none other than the ghost of Dr. Seuss.

He said, "And to Think That I Saw It on Mulberry Street, nowadays, I just can't compete. Porn stars with Harleys and Crotch Rockets too, tell me how men watching hold in their goo. I do not like boobs in the wind. I do not like them on my Schwinn. I do not like those floppy teats. I do not like seeing them blow in the breeze. I will not participate in Boobs on Bikes. And don't even think about Tits on Trikes."

* VANCOUVER —  A man was arrested with his 3-year-old son during a nude bike ride. Constable Jana McGuinness said he received several phone calls from people concerned about the child's well-being. Police convinced the man to put some skivvies on himself and the child. But, as soon as the he rejoined his fellow buff biker buddies, he stripped himself and his son of their tighty whities. But before he could break out singing, "Now I'm free! Free Ballin,'" Police arrested the man.

Sources close to the bicycle seat say, "The officers should be awarded for their efforts. Have you seen how well 3-year-olds wipe? Not well. Not well at all."

Sources close to the 12-year-old sarcastic bitch that lives inside of my head say, "Why, seriously? Have you ever gotten road rash on your knee from falling off a bike? Need I say more?"

* JERUSALEM — A 1 pound, 5 ounce baby who was pronounced dead by doctors came back to life after spending a few hours in a hospital refrigerator. Her parents, were taking her to be buried and began noticing some movement.

Sources close to the miracle baby say, "You know, sometimes a baby just needs to chill."