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December 07, 2015

The long simmering flirtation between Donald Trump and America's Racists has sadly come to an end after Trump tried to take things too fast.

Dear Mr. Trump,

This is not an easy letter for us, the collected racists of America, to send. You’re a special person to us and we care about you greatly. We’ve had a lot of fun together but, unfortunately, we think we have to break things off. I know you’re going to want an explanation why and you deserve one, both for closure and to help you in the future.

So here goes: The truth of the matter is, as much as we like you, you’ve been coming on way too strong.

Honestly, there’s always been an attraction between us, the racists of America, and you, Donald Trump. You know it. We know it. It started all the way back in the ’80s when you used to flirt with us by telling interviewers that “a well-educated black” had an advantage over whites and has continued through recent years as you continuously talked about building a wall around Mexico so we could hear you. Then, this year, when you announced that you were running for president and were in the market for voters, we thought to ourselves, “Is this really happening? Could he really be the man for us?”

The first few months of our courtship was amazing. That first date where you called all illegal aliens from Mexico rapists? We can’t deny that we were on cloud nine the entire way home. And we stayed that way for a long time. But, recently, the honeymoon phase has come to an end. And it all has to do with the way you’ve been taking things too fast.

First, you started bringing up that story about New Jersey Muslims cheering on 9/11. Donny, you know we used to tell that story all the time! We have to imagine you’ve been stalking our old Facebook posts and that’s not cool! But that’s just the beginning. I mean, look at the last 24 hours. Last night, you sent out a tweet implying that there are no Muslim sports heroes and today you made an official statement calling for a complete shutdown of Muslim tourists or immigrants.

Dude, give us some space.

As horrible racists, we’re flattered by the attention you’ve given us but you just need to chill. We’re like anyone else; there needs to be an element of the chase in our relationships. We like to feel wooed but, if the guy is constantly slobbering all over us, it’s gonna put us off. And that’s what you’ve done.

Look, obviously, there will always be a deep and powerful bond between Donald Trump and America’s racists. That’s not going away any time soon. I mean, we have so much in common. However, we need some time apart. Maybe we’ll come back to you eventually. Heck, lord knows we’re not dating Ben Carson any time soon. But, until then, this is goodbye.


We’ll always care about you,
America’s Racists