I’ve got good news and bad news, music fans.
The good news is Frank Ocean just released his long awaited album Boys Don’t Cry and, as someone who helped Frank mix the record, let me tell you, it’s amazing! Best album ever. Better than anything by Kanye. Better than anything by Beyoncé. Better than anything by Kanyoncé, the super-artist the military built but doesn’t want you to know about.
The bad news is that every copy of the album is entirely covered in bees. Angry bees. Bees angrier than Kanye and Beyoncé will be when they find out the military used their DNA to build Kanyoncé.
Why the bees?
Because you all turned on Frank.
“Where’s the album, Frank?!” you Tweeted.
“You said you’d release the album, Frank! Where the hell is it?!” you Facebooked.
“GIVE US THE DAMN ALBUM, FRANK!!! ALSO GIVE ME A JOB!!!” you direct messaged on LinkedIn.
Well Frank’s giving you the album alright. He’s also giving you countless bees that will sting you if you want to listen to it, you ungrateful jerks. Plus, Frank made these bees hang out with some of those Zika mosquitoes, so they’re not ordinary bees. They’re super deadly bees. They’re the Kanyoncé of bees.
Oh, and don’t think if you download the album you’ll avoid the bees. Frank’s 10 steps ahead of you, which is good because that’s just out of range of these murder bees.
If you download the album and try to listen to it, digital bees will go to fucking town on your computer or phone, stinging files and data until it’s worthless. Plus, nano-tech bees will pour out of your speakers and headphones and sting the hell out of you until you’re worthless and/or dead.
I know this all sounds absurd, but why do you think it took so long for Frank to release the album? It’s because he spent the last week or so researching, designing, and creating digital and nano-tech bees. Dude’s a genius, both in music and tech-bee-designing.
All this being said, the album is sick as fuck. Frank and I listened to it the whole drive down to and back from the bee warehouse where he bought 20 million bees in cash. It’s going to change music or at least change the way fans go about demanding artists to release an album without expecting to be punished by an onslaught of bees.
Sure, to listen to it you’ll have to deal with killer bees, but you’ll be rewarded with even more killer beats.
Hey, if you don’t want to risk listening to it now, you can always catch Frank when he tours.
But guess what’s special about Frank’s upcoming tour?
He’s bringing the bees.