10 Funny Votes
3 Die Votes
Published November 12, 2013


You just found out you're going to be a mom or dad?  Congratulations!  By now your head is swirling with all kinds of new thoughts and questions.  Nothing changes your life more dramatically than becoming a parent.  While some of this change can be anticipated, the arrival of your child can lead to some changes that you might not be expecting.  Here's ten things real moms and dads want every new parent to know.

1.  Children cannot see an inch past their own needs and desires.  They can be frustratingly selfish.  Make time for yourself throughout the day, even if it means locking yourself in the bathroom and pretending to take a dump. 
2.  Night time can often be a time of anxiety for children who feel separated from their parents in the darkness.  So you and your dates are going to have to be quiet while having sex in your apartment.
3.  Finding healthy foods that your children enjoy can be very challenging.  So you’ll probably just give in and feed them the unhealthy options they prefer.  And you’ll eat that shit too.  And you will be fat for 15 years.
4.  Homework is too often a time of struggle between parent and child.  Remember, it’s his future.  If he doesn’t give a shit, why should you?
5.  Parents who post on Facebook about needing a glass of wine to escape are not joking.  They are alcoholics.  You are not alone.
6.  It’s not that you or your spouse won’t enjoy sex anymore.  It's that you will no longer enjoy it with one another.
7.  Every week you will spend more time doing laundry than you will chatting with friends, watching movies, and exercising.  Combined.
8.  Consult your pediatrician if your infant won’t stop crying no matter how hard you shake her.
9.  Your children will have learned not to rely on your promises by the time they reach their teens.
10.  Parents often find themselves in bed at night worrying about any number of concerns.  But the more you obsess about your worries, the more likely your children are to develop obsessive tendencies too.  It’s contagious.  And you’re giving it to them.  Sleep tight!
Ben Capraro is a Chicago-based comic and producer. He yells joke out at the abyss on Twitter at @BenCapraro.