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May 23, 2017

Plot holes are when you try your hardest to suck the joy out of a movie we like. Today we'll do that with Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2!

All movies have plot holes and Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 is no different! Plot holes are when you take something that doesn’t really need explanation and overthink it in a way that sucks all the joy out of it. Right? That’s how it seems on the internet. Let’s get to it!

1. The space travel doesn’t make sense. Scientists don’t currently think it’s possible to travel through space as fast as the ships in this movie do. And, if they did, the momentum alone would probably kill everyone inside.

2. The aliens seem made up. There is no scientific evidence that any of the non-human creatures exist.

3. This movie is too fun! Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 is a rollicking thrill ride that harkens back to the days when summer blockbusters were action packed and a laugh a minute. I can’t think of the last time I enjoyed myself this much at a picture. It has received great reviews and excellent box office numbers and deserves both. I laughed AND was moved. I’m not supposed to have that much fun. Life is depressing and sad. Having a good time gives me headaches.


4. Rocket says he’s not a raccoon, but he looks like a raccoon. Sadly the movie never explains why.

Which leads us to…

5. Raccoons don’t talk. And there is no evidence they have ever been able to talk.

Guardians Rocket.jpg

6. During the film’s climax, a big ball of energy rolls through the city causing destruction. According to scientists, this much uncontained energy would destroy most of life on Earth, whether or not it was eventually stopped. They told me this after failing to ignore my phone calls forever.

7. The movie is set three months after the events of the first film, so in 2014, but yet not one character mentions the song Fancy by Iggy Azalea.

8. Raccoons don’t talk. Did I mention this already? Well he talked a f**king lot.

Guardians Drax.jpg

9. My date for this movie had a very bad time because I kept pointing out everything I thought was wrong with it. I texted her the next day and she did not respond. This does not make sense to me. So it’s a plot hole.

10. Groot’s language. Why does Baby Groot only say “I am Groot” but the other characters are able to say lots of things?

Guardians Baby Groot.jpg

11. Vol. 2 takes place in several different parts of the galaxy and features a variety of intelligent lifeforms, but yet everyone just seems to speak English. Would it really have been that hard to create a bunch of different fully-formed languages for the movie?

12. There were five post credit scenes, but I only saw three of them. I missed the other two because I was writing in my notes about how raccoons don’t talk. So I’m counting those two as plot holes.

Guardians sister.jpg

13. Too many things are different than they were in the comics. In the comics, many of the same characters appeared, but I experienced them buy turning pages, and then reading and looking, and turning pages again to read and look some more. In this movie, the story was shown through images and sound on a screen. That is different and, therefore, a plot hole.

14. Everyone in the movie acts in the end like Ego is a bad father. But he is exactly like my father. Exactly.

15. Raccoons don’t F**king talk.

Guardians campfire.jpg

That’s all the plot holes I was able to spot! If there were any I missed, feel free to sound off in the comments. Remember, plot holes are not inconsistencies in the story or logic. They’re either things that actually were explained in the movie or things that didn’t require explanation in the first place. So fire away! I’m off to eat half of a banana and save the other half for tomorrow. That is my bedtime snack.