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January 29, 2013

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. “This is one of those days,” to misquote Fred Durst. You can find more at www.brianlisi.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

Actor Taye Diggs chased down a man trying to break into his house on Sunday night. Yet another person who made the near-fatal mistake of confusing Taye Diggs with Omar Epps. 

The Boy Scouts may be considering ending their ban on gay members. Finally earning their "Oh, Right, It's 2013, Not Every Gay Man is a Child Molester" badge. 

The U.S. Treasury allowed firms that received bailouts to give raises to 18 executives. "I lost my home," said 1.2 million Americans.

Islamic rebels set a library in Timbuktu on fire, destroying thousands of ancient documents. Because one thing Mohammed hates is people finding out how farms used to work. 

Jane Austen's "Pride and Prejudice" is celebrating its 200th anniversary. That's two centuries of making women realize how crappy their boyfriend is. 

Barbara Walters has been hospitalized with chicken pox. Or depending on how you look at it, chicken pox has been hospitalized with Barbara Walters. 

While being complimented on his fight for gun control at a Christmas party, New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg reportedly looked at a woman and said, "Look at the ass on her." Which sounds bad until you realize he added, "I've gotta stop her from drinking so much soda." 

Tom Tancredo backed out of his bet to smoke marijuana if Colorado legalized the drug. The former congressman said he didn't want to set a bad example for his grandkids, something he should've considered before becoming a congressman. 

Liberal political groups are teaming up with tea partiers in Kentucky to knock Mitch McConnell out of the Senate. Upon hearing the news, McConnell retracted into his shell to devise a plan

A man who was arrested after he wrote the Fourth Amendment on his chest and stripped at an airport won $250,000 in a lawsuit. So it sounds like Ron Paul's retirement plans are going well.  

Iran says it has successfully sent a monkey into space. That's one small step for Iran, one giant leap for anti-Semitic space monkeys. 

Chris Brown allegedly started a parking lot brawl that also involved Frank Ocean. Apparently he just needs to be around cars, not necessarily in them, to want to attack someone.