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March 14, 2011

Disturbing Toys for Tots gift sure to give homeless kids rabies and nightmares.

We had a Toys-for-Tots drive at work and I peeked inside the box to see what assortment of goodies the needy little monsters could expect.

I was immediately shocked and dismayed to see that one of the donations was a game called Hungry Hungry Pooches. Really? Did China run out of plastic hippos to export? These kids are living in a moldy cardboard boxes, eating bugs and pieces of crunchy bologna they find on the ground, befriending pretend raccoons, wearing used garbage bags and KFC buckets with holes cut in them for clothing, don’t know and don’t want to know who their parents are, and you can’t fork over an extra 99 cents to get hippos instead of pooches?

They can’t even sing the ever so catchy Hungry Hungry Hippos song while they play what might be their first real board game, unless you count the time they found a piece of chalk in the garbage, which they used to draw sandwiches in the sidewalk which they would lick for lunch.

And this is not to mention that stray dogs are likely to come along to steal the tiny little bones that you propel into the pooches inviting pie holes. That wouldn’t be an issue with hippos because stray dogs don’t like the Pac Man pellets that toy hippos seem to be so fond of. The dogs will probably repeatedly bite the poor kids out of sheer frustration because the bones aren’t substantial enough to pacify their festering rabies.

The smelly children with the foaming mouths and KFC bucket pants are going to be big time targets of other equally smelly kids and random gangs of carnies who prey on those less fortunate than them. Getting jumped by the bearded lady, Mr. Stretchee, and the two-headed serpent boy is sure to cause nightmares, which means never getting any sleep other than the few minutes here and there where they pass out from the pains caused by Carnie bruises, dog bites, pretend raccoon bites, rapidly spreading rabies, rashes from the hybrid chicken residue on their cardboard pants, and loneliness.

All this because someone didn’t care enough to get the original Hungry Hungry Hippos. Why not just give them a Bed, Bath and Beyond gift card with no money left on it. Shame, shame, shame…