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26 Funny Votes
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Published March 25, 2010

You know, on paper the idea of being Christian sounds pretty good, but it seems to me that most Christians miss the point of what Christianity is all about.

And before I go on, let me just say that I feel comfortable shitting on Christians because I was raised Catholic -- which is the granddaddy of Jesus religions. And more importantly, I’m an agnostic kinda guy -- which means I think all religions are equally retarded. You know, like how Jews don’t like eating meat and cheese together, or the way Muslims love their camel porn:

But Christians take the cake. They really do. They really are just a bunch of fucking rubes who fell off the turnip truck a long time ago. For example, I actually know this one Christian who I work with occasionally -- a grown man in his late thirties and father of two, mind you -- who believes that Noah’s Ark actually happened.

That’s right. He really believes an old man actually rounded up two of every goddamn animal in the world and then put all of them on a friggin’ boat together. And worst of all, he’s allowed to vote.

For the record, he also believes in:

-Teaching Intelligent Design in School

-Stopping Gay Marriage

-The Easter Bunny

But my coworker is a good representation of your typical Conservative Christian. And Conservative Christians are so focused on being conservative, they seem to have forgotten the rules of being Christian. They think all that’s required is going to church on Sunday, not swearing, and watching a Veggie Tale.

But the greatest example of Christians who miss the point are the Christians who miss the point on the whole Health Care Reform issue.

This past weekend, President Obama signed the new Health Care Bill into law. And the Health Care Bill is faaaaaaaar from being perfect, but it’s a start. And we desperately need change.

But there are a lot of people out there who don’t want change. And the majority of people against Health Care Reform are Republicans -- and that’s fine because Republicans are typically selfish assholes, and that’s their M.O., but the problem I have is that a big chunk of Republicans just happen to be Conservative Christians.

Remember the Noah’s Ark guy -- well I got into a debate with him about health care not too long ago, and at one point in the heat of our argument, he yelled, “I don’t wanna pay for some bum’s health insurance!”

And at that moment, I realized there was nothing Christian about him.

Now like I said, I was raised Catholic -- and Catholicism is the granddaddy of all the Jesus religions, so I feel I’m qualified to speak on the subject of Christianity and the man, Jesus Christ:

And the funny thing is, everything I ever learned about Jesus pretty much said that all he really cared about was spreading love and taking care of people.

And I’m pretty sure Jesus wasn’t hanging out with the wealthy people of his time. He was a fucking carpenter, for Christ's sake. The guy spent most of his time hanging out with sick, poor, and desolate people. And there were probably a couple hookers and lepers in the mix, as well. But it’s okay because that was kinda his thing -- taking care of people who couldn’t take care of themselves. You know, that’s why he was always healing them, and feeding them, and doing shit like that.

Now I don’t think Health Care Reform is charity or welfare. I think it’s a human right. And I wouldn’t mind paying extra tax so I don’t ever have to worry about anything in the case I ever get brain cancer. That’s much better than the shitty situation I’m dealing with now -- paying $500 bucks a month to some Insurance company for expensive health care coverage that I’ll still have to pay extra money for when the shit hits the fan. But if Conservative Christians see Health Care Reform as charity, then they should have no problem supporting it because that’s what Jesus says to do. But for some reason, my co-worker and the rest of the Conservative Christian nuts out there don’t see things that way.

And the thing about the Noah’s Ark guy is he’s not a bad guy. I actually like him as a person. And I guarantee you he’s a loving husband and the best father in the world to his two children. And I’m sure if I ever asked him for a ride to work -- or to spot me for lunch one day, he would have no problem helping me out. But despite all those kind acts he’s not really a Christian. He’s just a polite guy who’s nice to his friends.

And that’s what Christians really are. Polite people who are nice to their friends. They could give a fuck about anyone else. Especially anyone different from them.

So if you don’t want Health Care Reform because you don’t want to support deadbeats who can’t fend for themselves then you’re allowed to that opinion -- just don’t call yourself a Christian.

Finally, I leave you with this clip I saw on Bill Maher last week. About 36 seconds in, it shows some poor, sick, bastard with Parkinson’s Disease protesting against a large group T-Baggers. I don’t know if there are any Christians in the crowd, but I know if Jesus was there he’d be hanging with the Parkinson’s dude.

Enjoy:

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