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Women do WHAT with these???

Welcome back to the recap series that answers the question “Hey what happened in Fargo season 3?”

This week we have hidden sci-fi novels, butts that could crack nuts, and tampons. Definitely tampons.

The Principle of Restricted Choice in contract bridge states that if a player plays a particular card, it decreases the probability that the player holds any equivalent card. For example, if I pay my rent on the first, it decreases the probability that I have enough money to cover my rent next month.

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Let’s Fargo!

1) Toronto Cain - Psychic Ranger

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The Canadian Indiana Jones.

The accidental death of Ennis Stussy uncovered a mystery he’d tried to keep secret. Something more shameful than murder or kidnapping doing improv:

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The Canadian 12 Monkeys.

He was a goddamn science fiction writer named Thaddeus Mobley. And an award winning writer at that.

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AND there’s more Drive-Thrus on the way? What a day for news!

Ennis thought he could get away with it too but fate has a way of sorting itself out; I learned that watching the documentary “Final Destination.”

Could this connect to the alien activity from last season? Did Thaddeus see some shit?

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Collectors are only interested in the full set though.

Who is the woman in the photo from the lock box?
IS SHE AN ALIEN TOO?

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Can you make it out to “eBay?”

2) Is This A Thing?

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Because a strong woman opens her own doors, thank you.

In any other show when things keep happening to a character I’d just assume it was a fun character quirk, like how Joey had brain damage on “Friends.“

But on a show full of mysteries and aliens and snow every time something weird happens I’m going to wonder: is this a thing?

So are automatic doors not opening and cell phones never working for Gloria a thing? Or is this her brain damage? If she starts asking everyone “How you doin’” next episode I believe we will have some answers.

3) Any idea what the VM stands for?

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Uhhh…is it short for V. Monster?

If you ever apply for a job and one of the requirements is “attention to detail” it’s because the people that already work there are idiots and need someone to clean up their mess.

If you were to apply for a job at Stussy you’d have to have a family connection to details because the guys that run the place borrow large sums of money from men with beans for teeth and don’t even bother to stop to ask what the guy’s name is.

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Step 1) Friend a c*cksucker on Facebook. Step 2) Reel him in. Step 3) Profit.

Emmit and Sy also believe they can force VM Varga to take his money and go away, proving they still aren’t paying attention to details.

Boys, you brought toenail clippers to a gun fight.

4) “You’re the Goddamn Parking Lot King of Minnesota.”

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He’s had this nickname the whole time and we’ve been calling him Emmit? Why do we even know his real name if a treasure filled title like “goddamn parking lot king of Minnesota” has been floating out there for us?

4) Ctrl + Alt + Delete

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There doesn’t seem to be any ‘Any’ key!

The Windows key has the Windows logo from 2012 on it. This show takes place in 2010. What kind of Anachronistic Trash are they trying to sell us here?

Or maybe this is because of aliens too. IS THIS A THING?

(h/t Redditor Eurofutur)

5) Old People of Facebook

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In my day you had to go to porn, it didn’t come to you, and that’s why we appreciated it more.

Irv! Never “click to download information!” Don’t you watch Fox News? This is how Hilary Clinton killed Benghazi!

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Smile! You’re on “Asshole Camera.”

BONUS) VMVarga.com is live

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If'n ye wanner come crack a eyefulla me sniffy parts!

6) Do You Think It’s Slave Girls?

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He always thinks it’s slave girls.

Sy thinks it’s slave girls.

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He’s always disappointed when it’s not.

7) County Cop V Country Cop: Dawn of Justice

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Officer Mansplain in his natural habitat.

County Cop is a dick! So what if Gloria hates computers and still sends Telexes and only has a rotary cell phone and puts perps in a storage closet instead of a jail cell, does that mean she’s bad at her job?

According to County Cop it does cuz County Cop has a laptop and a Facebook profile and a rotary iPhone and those are the things that make a REAL police.

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Seymour Butts, Seymor Buttsmore, Seymor Buttsworth…

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Hey! You can’t circumcise this phonebook without parental permission!

Then Gloria waltzes off to the convenience store where she just polices herself all over the damn place, nailing down Maurice’s actions and motivation within minutes.

BOOM. I’d like to see you do that with a text message, County Cop!

8) But CAN you make meth from frozen orange juice concentrate?

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9) “On account of vermin.”

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Can I borrow your computer? Vermin changed my login.

The way Ray says this makes me think this excuse happens a lot in his life.

“Sorry I’m late; vermin took my keys and I had to get them back.”
“I would have called you back sooner but vermin took the message and didn’t give it to me until today.“
“Can I blow dry my hair at your house? Vermin ran up my bill and the power company turned off my electricity.”

10) Clean Filth

This is why we have dirty words; that way good words like “nutcracker” and “caboose” and “butter her bread” can just mean what they mean and not mean an overweight parole officer slurping down a bowl of cereal wants to wriggle around in an attractive woman.

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The cereal is just an extra wholesome cherry on a pervert sundae.

11) Unfathomable Pinheadery

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We can’t have sex hon, on account of Vermin stole my privates.

With Ray being consumed by getting away with murder it’s up to Nikki to keep her eye on their real goal - becoming champion bridge players with real sponsorship.

Mary Elizabeth Winstead owns this show. She gets amazing lines (“Con. What a negative word”) and plays Nikki with laser focus and charisma. By the end of the scene even I agreed that you cannot fight a blood feud when you’re trying to land a big time sponsor. Jesus Ray, Burt Lerdsman is gonna see right through your blocked up chi!

12) All In The Family

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Emmit, Ray, and Corvette - the Stussy brothers are back together again.

The Goddamn Parking Lot King of Minnesota, Ray, and Corvette have a long talk. Corvette finds a way to bring them together, finally healing the wounds from years gone by. Corvette knows people.

What starts as a con becomes real clarity for Ray as he does actually move past he feelings towards his brother. The joy on his face as he’s about to get in Corvette is palpable and leads to a delightfully awkward hug/handshake moment with The Goddamn Parking Lot King of Minnesota.

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Friendzoned By My Brother: The Ray Stussy Story

The Stussy brothers are nothing if not self-sabatoging though; pride and entitlement are going to be the death of at least one of them this season.

Or vermin.

13) The Tampon IS The Message

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It means Luca Brasi sleeps with the tampons.

14) Who’s The Ass Now?

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The Stussy boys feud has become a proxy war. Ray and The Goddamn Parking Lot King of Minnesota are a lot more alike than they think, down to the company they keep. Sy and Nikki both love and see purpose in their respective Stussy and see their assistance as a means to their own ends. Both are ambitious as hell, doggedly determined to achieve whatever goals they set.

But they’re also reckless.

Sy’s dreams of expansion drove he and The Goddamn Parking Lot King of Minnesota to make a deal with what might be the actual devil. It’s definitely going to lead them to disaster.

Nikki’s dreams of bridge conquest drive her to leave her tampons in drawers of people by whom she’s felt slighted. It’s lost Ray the closure he’d needed in his life for so long.

The Stussys might be in different economic strata, but they still find a way to surround themselves with the same types of people.

So who’s the ass now? Both of them.

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You should drive.

15) Do Not Search For VM Varga

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When you know you about to get dropped on your head so you wear a hat hoping it will keep your brains in place

In Soviet Russia, VM Varga search for you!

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No I requested Drop OFF Serviceeeeeeeeeeeee

16) Corvette NOOOOOOOOOOOO

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WHY GOD WHY

WHY GOD WHY

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WHY GOD WHY

WHY GOD WHY

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WHY GOD WHY

WHY GOD WHYYYYYYY

Sy, you have made a mortal enemy of me this day.

17) Varga Moves In

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Does anyone else feel slimy just hearing VM Varga talk? I feel like a snake just whispered weird sex secrets about my neighbors when he talks.

“Lie back and enjoy yourselves”? I don’t think anyone has ever done that with you, Mr. Varga.

Sy and The Goddamn Parking Lot King of Minnesota have fallen down a rabbit hole and it’s not until Varga dangles the carrot of ambition in front of them that they realize how far down the hole they are. Varga describing them as potential billionaires is going to dangle in their heads like wind chimes until they compromise themselves to the point of no return.

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When someone tells you they will make you a billionaire and you pee a little

You’re trapped, fellas.

18) Bing Crosby Treated His Family Like Shit

Ural Cossacks Choir - Kalinka (feat. Uzory)

Dakhabrakha - Sho z-pod duba

Bing Crosby - The Christmas Song

Gogol Bordello - American Wedding

That’s it for this episode. We will see you after episode three. Until then the boys are gonna stay here and keep you company.

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