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July 16, 2009



I live by one rule and one rule only: If you live near a stop on the tour bus route, you better look as damn important as you can.

I live in Beachwood Canyon, along the main thoroughfare to the Hollywood Sign.  Tour buses come up and down my street multiple times during the day brimming with beaming tourists.  Before I continue - let me just say without any hint of sarcasm or cyniscism: It's really wonderful to watch people see famous places for the first time.  Everyone is smiling.  It's contagious, I must admit.

HOWEVER, it is my duty to fulfill those people's images of what a person who lives underneath the Hollywood sign sounds like, looks like, and trips on the uneven parts of the sidewalk like.

And here's where the fake cell phone call comes in handy.  I've used up hundreds of imaginary minutes on my fake cell phone calls.  I call all kinds of people; My ghost agent, my invisible publicist,  my spirit spirit reader, etc. Only in LA, right?  The calls make me look important, and, more importantly, detract attention away from my filthy dog-walking sweatpants (not the tight, cute, pockets-on-the-butt kind.  I'm talking XXL University of Texas men's football sweats with tapered ankles and a crotch that goes on forever). 

As I "chat" on my phone, the tourists all turn their attention to me and think:  "Wow! That girl's dog is shitting in the middle of the sidewalk! And she doesn't even have a bag! I wonder how she's going to pull that one off!" 

I'll pull it off.  Because I'm a celebrity and I can just call my manager and he can come pick up the dog's dog poop for me. Who do you think I'm on the phone with right now?

"Hey look guys - I think her dog is trying to eat his own shit off the sidewalk!"

No he's not.  He doesn't eat at all.  Neither do I because I'm on a fad diet and I do lots of coke in Kitson dressing rooms. Don't you realize I'm on the phone with my drug dealer right now?  I live in LA and I do things differently from you because I live under the Hollywood sign.  I have 1 million dollars, 30 Porsches and 73 personal assistants!!!  You don't understand anything!!!!!

"Honey, we're in LA... [whisper] I think that might be a man!"