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January 05, 2013

Rod Stewart and the stomach pump? Led Zeppelin and the mud shark? The Wonder Years guy and Marilyn Manson? The truth about these and other rock n' roll urban legends, revealed!

Myth: Rod Stewart was hospitalized and his stomach was pumped of gallons of semen.
Truth: This legend reoccurs every few years about a celebrity said to be sexually promiscuous or especially libertine. It originated in the 1930s, with silent film star Clara Bow said to have “serviced” the entire USC football team. The Bow story is true, although her autopsy later revealed that she was half-ShopVac and half-Kardashian.

Myth: Bowie’s wife, Angela Bowie, caught Mick Jagger in bed with David Bowie.
Truth: It’s true. Bowie’s wife claims to have caught the Rooster canoodling the Thin White Duke’s Thin White Duke in the ‘70s. There is no truth to the legend that the story was made up in order to bury Bowie’s far more embarrassing act of recording and releasing Let’s Dance.

Myth: Mama Cass died from choking on a ham sandwich.
Truth: A ham sandwich was found near Elliot’s body, but she died of a heart attack. That little detail was included in coroner’s reports and thus news reports because Mama Cass was fat. Ha ha ha. You’re a piece of shit.

Myth: Ray Parker, Jr. plagiarized Huey Lewis’s “I Want a New Drug” for his theme song from Ghostbusters.
Truth: Ghostbusters producers came to Parker after Lewis declined, and Parker told a judge (when being sued by Lewis) that they told him to make it sound like Lewis. Parker also swore, under oath, that he ain’t afraid of no ghosts.

Myth: Ray Parker, Jr. ain’t afraid of no ghosts.
Truth: See previous item.

Myth: Led Zeppelin pleasured a groupie with a mudshark.
Truth: Led Zeppelin’s road manager pleasured the groupie with a mudshark used as a makeshift sex toy, because that’s a normal thing that people do. While that was happening, the actual members of Led Zeppelin pleasured 20 other groupies by taking them out to a delicious dinner at Red Lobster. Red Lobster: for the seafood lover in you! ™

Myth: Charles Manson auditioned for the Monkees.
Truth: He was in prison at the time of the auditions in 1965, so he couldn't have. A real famous almost-Monkee was Stephen Stills, who didn’t join the prefab band because he didn’t want to give up the rights to songs he’d written.

Myth: Okay then, but didn’t Stephen Stills murder a bunch of people in California in the late ‘60s with a bunch of cult members who believed he was God?
Truth: You’re thinking of Charles Manson.

Myth: Then who’s Charles Manson?
Truth: A failed musician, crazy person, and friend of Dennis Wilson, the Beach Boys’ drummer.

Myth: Really?
Truth: Yeah, Dennis Wilson got into some really heavy shit there for a while. Fortunately he died before the Beach Boys traded their souls to the devil in exchange for the success of “Kokomo,” which happened.

Myth: Didn’t Dennis Wilson jump off a boat while drunk and drowned while attempting to retrieve items belonging to an ex-wife that he’d thrown overboard years ago?
Truth: Yeah, man.

Myth: Speaking of drowning, what’s the deal with Phil Collins’ “In the Air Tonight?” Isn’t it about how Phil Collins witnessed a drowning from far away and was too distant to do anything about it, but he also saw a guy on the beach who could have saved the drowning guy, and yet did nothing, and so then Collins invited him to a concert, put a spotlight on him, played “In the Air Tonight,” which is about that incident, then had waiting cops take the guy away to jail for manslaughter?
Truth: Nope. That song came out in 1981, and is about Collin’s anxiety and depression after a painful divorce. But you wanna hear something really spooky? In 1981, Phil Collins died…in a drowning accident on a beach.

Myth: Whoa. Hey, what about that kid from The Wonder Years? The kid who played Paul Pfeiffer. He grew up to be Marilyn Manson, right?
Truth: No. He grew up to be Phil Collins.