10 Reasons why Christmas Songs are Horrifying
1. Glorifying bullying. In “Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer” poor Rudolph, who is just a little bit different, is teased mercilessly about his face; called names and excluded from all the fun games that the other reindeers are playing. As soon as he is accepted by the “cool, popular kid” Santa, then- and only then- do all the other reindeer love him. Assholes.
2. Rapey-ness. “Baby it’s Cold Outside” features a man with a really sleazy voice trying to convince a girl to stay and basically have sex with him just because it’s cold outside. She says “The answer is NO” repeatedly and he is so insistent it’s scary. He gives her drinks and cigarettes and if the song had an extra verse he would next be offering a roofie in the eggnog.
3. Songs that are supposedly about Christmas but are super dark and probably about the devil. You know how when you go to a sports game there is music that accompanies each player as they are announced on to the field? “Carol of the Bells” sounds like the song Satan would totally come out to with his hand fist-pumping the air. And this video shot in what looks like a Forest graveyard is so scary it gives me nightmares. (What is that thing at :11???)
4. Many Christmas songs all written by the same guy = possible Illuminati. This guy Johnny Marks (who was actually Jewish) wrote so many of these songs, he is so paid, like the Jay-Z of Christmas. He wrote “Rudolph the Red nose Reindeer,“ “Have a Holly Jolly Christmas,” “Run Rudolph Run” by Chuck Berry, “Rockin around the Christmas Tree,” and so many more. Think about it, one man is running your brain around Christmas. Every time you go to H&M and Whole Foods and the mall, Johnny Marks is like, you WILL listen to me, and me ONLY!
5. Shutting down kids’ emotions and turning Santa into a punishing God.
In “Santa Claus is Comin’ to Town” kids are warned “You better not cry!” Well, it’s a well known fact that shutting down little kids’ emotions like this leads them straight into therapy where some paid person will tell them to get all their emotions out for like ten years. Then,on top of it, this crazy scary Santa knows all this shit about them like if they’re sleeping or awake or have been “bad” or “good” – way to terrify and shame kids- like Santa is a punishing Catholic deity coming down on Judgment day. Also definitely don’t tell me to be “nice” because everyone knows the bumper sticker “Nicely behaved women rarely make history.”
6. Celebrating parents that hate their children. In “It’s Beginning to Look a lot Like Christmas”we are told that “Mom and Dad can hardly wait for school to start again” because, presumably, they can’t stand their kids anymore. And then we are treated to maniacal laughter “Ha haa haa haaa” which brings to mind parents getting drunk on rum and eggnog, who let us know that they never really wanted to have us anyway before passing out in underwear on the couch.
7. Violence and apathy. “Grandma Got Run over by a Reindeer” is just fucking weird talking about Grandma got killed on Christmas with “hoof marks on her back” and how Grandpa just doesn’t give a shit and is drinking beer. Nice.
8. Adulterous sex with Snowmen. Did you know a lyric from “Walkin’ in a Winter Wonderland” goes like this: “He’ll say are you married/we’ll say no man/But you can do the job when you’re in town!” That’s just gross, even if the carrot is big.
9. Elf on the Shelf. Now this is not an official song per se, but people are making songs about it -so I had to put it on the list. This creepy Elf will watch everything you and your child do, and digital technology professor Laura Pinto says the Elf on the Shelf is “a capillary form of power that normalizes the voluntary surrender of privacy, teaching young people to blindly accept panoptic surveillance and…” [deep breath] “reify hegemonic power.” So yeah whatever that means, but basically, it’s not good.
10. Just this.
11. Honorable Mention: White girls rapping about Christmas up in Harlem (My video!) Here I am a white girl in Harlem still carrying my baby weight and rapping about Christmas-kind of badly- and even using the word “swagger.” Oh no.
Happy Holidays everyone!