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August 10, 2017

You've often suspected that you might be at a less than stellar wet t-shirt contest. Now, with this handy guide at your fingertips, you'll know for sure!

  • The majority of contestants have wet t-shirts because their water just broke.
  • In order to be green-minded and ecology-conscious by not using water, you’re supposed to just “use your imagination.”
  • The t-shirts are wet, but the skin of the ladies is dry. Like really psoriasis-level, extremely flaky skin dry.
  • Global warming doesn’t allow the t-shirts to stay wet for more than a few moments at a time.
  • They’re judging just the wet t-shirts themselves, without being worn by attractive, busty ladies.
  • You misread the advertising, and it’s actually a Wendt T-Shirt Contest, featuring George Wendt in a series of moist, ill-fitting tees.
  • Much of the moisture in the contest is provided by the hysterical crying of the young ladies’ mothers, sobbing violently and trying to pull their daughters off of the stage.
  • No one from The American Journal of Professional Wet T-Shirt Competitive Events is there to cover the contest.
  • Your wife takes a look at the assembled contestants, and tells you that it’s okay for you to stay and watch.
  • The cover charge to view the contest is going to charity, which forces you to think of boobs and sick kids at the same time.
  • Being on the front row, you get splashed with a good deal of residual water, and end up winning the contest yourself.
  • The Russians tamper with the results, and so the least qualified of the young ladies wins.
  • You end up watching the silent broadcast of some pawn shop reality show playing on the TV above the contestants.
  • As it turns out, it’s not a wet t-shirt contest, just an unfortunate young woman who got caught in the rain.
  • The antics onstage aren’t quite hot enough, and the drinks specials not quite good enough, to keep you from feeling like a gross creepy guy.