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Stats & Data

March 21, 2011

A quick in-depth examination of the men at war...with themselves.

                                    The average subtlety of a Call of Duty player.

War has been waged countless times through the ages and the guideline is simple: your enemy must be destroyed. He wants to kill you and your fellow man. You cannot let him. This mindset doesn't carry over well into the world of Call of Duty, where the average primary objective of a player is to finish his bong rip before his gun finishes reloading.

There's many explanations for a bad performance, and I've been guilty of some. Mistakes can be made, but mistakes should also always be a learning experience--or you're doomed to repeat it again. Let's see some of our favorite squad members who will never stop messing you up.

The "Hopeless Case"

                                    "Is that a grenade? Oh hm, maybe it won't get me."

If you ever play "Search And Destroy", then you're aware that it's one life and if you die---you're waiting awhile. It's quite common to hear moaning over the mic when the camera takes us to the position of the last surviving player hence,  "Hopeless Case". Bask in the delight as they move into open areas with no fear of consequences, chill yourself to the bone when they're lifeless characters are still at the spawn point and haven't moved.

The "Columbus"


                                                  "No, not this kind of shitty explorer."

Exploring leads to discovering new things (or killing a bunch of people and then claiming it) This player will look through the outer realm of a  maps area which have been left unexplored for a reason--nobody is ever there. Fortunately, this leads to very few deaths--but very few kills.

The "DJ"


              "He's mad that you didn't see "The Goods" to understand this reference."

Don't like Ludacris? Now you do, ya fuck. My record is .0793 seconds for toggling the mute.

The "Anti Chameleon"


                          "To be fair, this would totally work inside a pit of tennis balls."

 These players never blend in with their surroundings, because their too busy running full speed into bullets. A full-scale map like Wasteland presents less cover than most others, but that will not stop their war cries and the desire to stab that one sniper that keeps killing them.

The "Buddy"


                                  "The first time Sean Penn played a retard."

 A player that loves being your back-up..that you don't want. When you play with someone you know, having back-up can be perfect. They'll cover the area you can't watch, be observant with your status, and they just might save you from certain death. When you play with someone you don't know, it can turn from "Tango & Cash" to "Judge Dredd and Rob Schneider" Your cover will be rendered useless and they'll be busy trying to find out how they can shoot bullets without moving from behind you. Predator Missile is coming? Better get closer.