If I Was Your Boyfriend
Because I am apt to foolishly compare myself with celebrities, especially teen heartthrob celebrities, I decided to compare my ability to be a boyfriend with Justin Bieber’s ability to be a boyfriend. Since I avoid reading about Bieber’s personal life like the plague, I decided to compare us in the laziest way possible. I am comparing the lyrics to Justin Bieber’s hit song “Boyfriend” to my own personal life.
Spoilers: Justin Bieber is probably a better boyfriend than I.
Also, I know this might gravely upset some Beliebers, but I’m not commenting on every line in the song. That would get redundant. And you can only read so much of my writing before you get tired of your own existence.
If I was your boyfriend, I’d never let you go.
If there’s a situation where I have to let my girlfriend go, I’ll drop the bitch. If we’re both running away from some hobo with a knife in a dark alley, not only am I going to let her go, I will probably push her down so I can escape. When I’m about to become a stab victim, chivalry is dead as far as I’m concerned.
I can take you places you ain’t ever been before.
If my girlfriend has never been to a strip club, I suppose I can take her to a place that she’s never been before.
Baby, take a chance or you’ll never ever know
If no one wanted to take a chance on me, I couldn’t really blame them. They only thing that they would know is crippling depression and how to make love to the fine music of Michael Bolton.
I got money in my hands that I’d really like to blow.
If I had money that I’d like to blow, I’d probably spend it on video games---or an escort.
Swag, swag, swag on you
I have no idea what swagging on something means. If swagging means accidently spilling drinks on girls then I guess I have swagged on a lot of people. I don’t think that’s what it means though.
Chillin’ by the fire while we eatin’ fondue
I’m not classy enough to own a fireplace and I’m not manly enough to make a fire. The only way I could conceivably “chill by a fire” is if I opened my laptop and set the screensaver to a picture of a fire. Also, instead of eatin’ fondue I would be slurping a McDonald’s chocolate shake. “We” wouldn’t be eating either; I’d steal my girlfriends chocolate shake because I could possibly be an inconsiderate fatty.
I don’t know about me, but I know about you.
I don’t understand myself, but I understand myself far more than I could ever understand a woman.
So say hello to falsetto in three two swag
My falsetto sounds like a dolphin being brutally maimed, but at least when I count I begin with “one” instead of “swag”.
I’d like to be everything you want
If I could just decide to not be an overly neurotic, unkempt mess of a human being, I would have changed into someone else (presumably someone a girl would want) a long time ago. So, I cannot be everything a potential girlfriend would want.
Hey girl, let me talk to you
Justin Bieber can begin his conversations with women with “Hey girl, let me talk to you.” I have to begin and end all conversations with women by saying “I’m sorry.”
If I was your boyfriend, I’d never let you go. Keep you on my arm girl, you’d never be alone.
When Bieber makes sure his girl is never left alone, it’s romantic. When I’m making sure a girl is never left alone, it’s stalking.
I can be a gentleman, anything you want.
By gentleman you mean “a person that only pays for half of their date’s McDonalds” then yes, I am a gentleman.
Tell me what you like babe, tell me what you don’t.
I feel like any relationship I’m in would be a lot more of the latter and pretty much none of the former.
If there is one thing that might make me a better boyfriend than Justin Bieber, it’s that I will never, ever use the word “swaggie” in a conversation.
So give me a chance, cause you’re all I need girl
A girl is not all I need, I also need food and beer—and whiskey.
Spend a week with your boy. I’ll be calling you my girlfriend
Spend a week with me and you’ll be calling the police.
God, Bieber is so much better than me.