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January 23, 2015

We remember modernist ruler King Abdullah, who pushed through reforms such as lighter sentences for convected sorcerers.

Saudi Arabia’s ruler, King Abdullah, has died. The monarch is remembered as a relatively liberal ruler bent on modernizing the deeply conservative nation. He did occasionally try to do this, a little, when there wasn’t anything good on TV. Here are some of Abdullah’s sweeping reforms that have brought Saudi Arabia from the Middle Ages to the late Middle Ages.

King Abdullah.jpg
  • In a major step forward for freedom of speech, it is now legal to criticize the government if you whisper it into an abandoned well
  • Women are now allowed to look at cars
  • White headscarves may now be worn after Labor Day
  • Spousal abuse is now a crime, punishable by a shake of the head and a “Hey, man. Come on. Come on, man”
  • King Abdullah began the slow transition of taking Saudi Arabia from absolute monarchy to absolute-plus-infinity monarchy
  • Abdullah was the first monarch to install women in political posts, such as Minister of Obedience and Secretary of Staying Inside
  • Lighter sentences for convicted sorcerers
  • Religious minorities no longer referred to as religious mi-BORE-ities (still heavily persecuted tho)
  • Women may now study as much law as they can print on the inside of their head-to-toe concealing garments