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January 23, 2015
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We remember modernist ruler King Abdullah, who pushed through reforms such as lighter sentences for convected sorcerers.

Saudi Arabia’s ruler, King Abdullah, has died. The monarch is remembered as a relatively liberal ruler bent on modernizing the deeply conservative nation. He did occasionally try to do this, a little, when there wasn’t anything good on TV. Here are some of Abdullah’s sweeping reforms that have brought Saudi Arabia from the Middle Ages to the late Middle Ages.

King Abdullah.jpg
  • In a major step forward for freedom of speech, it is now legal to criticize the government if you whisper it into an abandoned well
  • Women are now allowed to look at cars
  • White headscarves may now be worn after Labor Day
  • Spousal abuse is now a crime, punishable by a shake of the head and a “Hey, man. Come on. Come on, man”
  • King Abdullah began the slow transition of taking Saudi Arabia from absolute monarchy to absolute-plus-infinity monarchy
  • Abdullah was the first monarch to install women in political posts, such as Minister of Obedience and Secretary of Staying Inside
  • Lighter sentences for convicted sorcerers
  • Religious minorities no longer referred to as religious mi-BORE-ities (still heavily persecuted tho)
  • Women may now study as much law as they can print on the inside of their head-to-toe concealing garments
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