Okay hi. It’s me, Climate Change. I guess you all heard that scientist Ed Hawking has created a chart that demonstrates my existence. Unfortunately, neither this graph nor any other has persuaded much of the public to believe I exist and that’s really starting to get to me.
It’s crazy you don’t believe in me because I have proof I exist! I don’t have a birth certificate or anything, but I have left centuries of evidence for you and I just…I just…
So sorry to be crying over the entire country of Spain right now, it’s just, you can only be told you don’t exist so many times before you’re like wow, maybe I don’t. What would I know? I’m only a decades’ long process that could lead to the destruction of your precious home.
Now don’t get me wrong, I know a lot of people do believe in me, and I appreciate it. I’ve worked really hard to get to where I’m at. Everyone is talking about me, I’m a household name. But just like reading the comments section on one of your internet videos, it’s hard to focus on the good stuff even if it outnumbers the bad stuff. A ton of people don’t believe in me and sometimes that makes it hard for me to believe in myself.
Do you know what I think would really help me feel your support? Why don’t we play a game. Try this: clap three times if you believe in me! Go ahead, clap if you believe in Climate Change!
Do you hear that? Silence. No one ever applauds Climate Change, no matter how hard I work. I know I’m a colossal environmental disaster, but damn I still have feelings. That’s right, I have feelings because I EXIST. What more do I have to do for you people to believe in me? Destroy your entire planet?! I mean Stephen Hawking believes in me and that guy is a total doubter. He doesn’t even believe in God!
…Wow, is this how God feels every day??
No, the difference between me and God is that he’s forgiving. I’m going to eat you and your children and their children alive if you don’t believe in me.
Listen, some people are afraid of change, and I get that. I don’t like change either, but you can’t just ignore it because it’s inconvenient for you. I mean, you can but that’s just going to make it happen stronger and faster.
I just don’t know if I have the strength to carry on…
Wait. Is that what you’re doing? You’re just saying you don’t believe in me so it will make me lose faith in myself and weaken my resolve? Wow. That’s actually kind of brilliant.
Well you win, because I don’t believe in myself and I can’t keep going on like this. You said Climate Change doesn’t exist and now I don’t.
I hope you’re happy.