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June 09, 2013

The morning began like any other. Birds chirping, sun breaking through the clouds, a fresh dew perhaps, but under all this there was set an eerie presence. I opened my email to find a message from a "Judith Williams". It was then I realized that fate had set this in motion, I had to save this Judith....and the future. (Yeah, I was bored and decided to entertain myself by responding to spam)

The morning began like any other. Birds chirping, sun breaking through
the clouds, a fresh dew perhaps, but under all this there was set an
eerie presence. I opened my email to find a message from a "Judith Williams".

It was then I realized that fate had set this in motion, I had to save this Judith....and the future.

(I have a hobby responding to spam sometimes, this is one such time.)

From: Mrs Judith Williams.

Dear Friend, My name is Mrs Judith Williams am 75yrs old of age, i
stay in new york
city, USA. I am a good merchant, I have several industrial companies
and good share in various banks in the world.I spend all my life on
investment and coporate business. all the way i lost my husband and
two beautiful kids in fatal accident that occur in November 5th 2003.

I am a very greedy woman with all cost i dont know much and care
about people, since when I have an experience of my it difficult to
sleep and give rest. later in the year 2004 Febuary i was sent a
letter of medical check up, as my personal Doctor testify that i have
a lung cancer, which can easily take off my life soon.I found it
uneasy to survive myself, because a lot of investment cannot be run
and manage by me again. I quickly call up a pastor/prophet to give me
positive thinking on this solution, as my adviser.He minister to me
to share my properties ,wealth, to motherless baby/orphanage
homes/people that need money for survivor both student that need
money/ business woman and man for their investment and for future
rising. So i am writing this letter to people who really need help
from me both student in college, to contact me urgently. so that i can
make available preparation on that.especially women of the day, who
are divorced by their husband, why they cannot survive the mist of
feeding theirself.

please contact me and stop weeping. probably let me
now what you really need the money for, and if you can still help me
to distribute money to nearest orhanages homes near your town. now am
so much with God, am now born again. May you be blessed, as you reach
me,please to remind you, dont belongs to scammers or any act of
fraudlent on internet. I will give more information to you as i await
your response immediately.

Respond to me throught this email

Best Regards
Mrs Judith Williams

MY response:

I have been sent from the future to find you Judith
Williams. We have very little time, so I will explain this
as best I can. The world as we know it will cease to be
this loving place in the year of our lord - 2060.
The skies will turn blood red, and screaming cyborg
hordes will overrun society with their cunning, their
technology, and worst of all - their ceaseless blaring
of 1980s american hair metal.
Almost all of the nations fell at once to this widespread
force, all the major world players - Uganda, Luxembourg,
North Dakota, these major metropolises fell in the blink of
an eye.
This is not the way it has to be! I have developed a time
machine to come back and change the future for the better, Judy.
For you see, you are indeed our savior. In the year 2017, after
unsucessfully trying to paint a picnic table, you inadvertently
develop a strong mutagenic batch of tuna meat that invetably
changes the course of Feline evolution. The cats, forever alt-
ered into giant proportions, were seen as a threat by the
HAIRnet (Horrible American Iron Robot network) and exterminated.
I am here Judy to protect you and the giant pussy you will eventually
create. But for the moment i will need to crash at your place, I can
stay on a foldout, cot, or failing that a cardboard box. I also need a
constant supply of malt liquor (in the future all things are powered
by this alternatively cheap alcohol fuel), but not like Olde English,
I need at least Colt 45 or better.
In staying in your home for the better part of 4 years, I will save
you and in return - you, Judy, will save the future!

- Jim "vortex to eternity" Jones

Her Response:

Dearest Friend,

How are you today? I hope fine, I manage to check my email
through the doctors computer where i received your email message,
I got your contact address from the email search i made yesterday
trying to find who to help me in distributing/chearing this fund
to the orphanage homes and the needy, since my family and relation
have made away and have to themselves the money i gave to them
in this regards.

If you are interested in my first email message to you, i will
want you to get back to me with your full name contact phone
number and Home address so that i will give you contact of the
paying bank in london United Kingdom that will remmit the sum of
250,000.00 Pound sterlins for you to reach the charity homes.

I will be waiting for your email as i will proceed.
Take good care of yourselve and your family.


MY second response:

Not fine, I do not quite have the time to play chit-chat.
In the grim wasteland of tomorrow lies a nightmare that
you alone can stop. But here you stand babbling on
about orphanages and families. Well let me tell you
something, baby, unless you and me save that pussy
in the year 2017, their children and their children's
children, and their children's brother neighbor todd (nice
guy except if he gets to drinking by the way, but i digress)
all these people will never see anything outside of 80s
merchandise work camps. They will slave away in danger-
ous conditions making shoddy spandex unitards, legwarmers,
thin ties and most dreaded of all pat benatar headbands.

Don't you see this Judy? We need to stand up to these
robotic mulleted overlords! We must for the sake of the children.
Once again, I implore you, I must sleep in your house and mooch
off of your discarded foods and cheap alcohol (of course in prep-
aration for that fateful day in which i boldly save the tallcats from
extinction by the HAIRnet).

Yours in future and today,
Jim "cigarette butts and cheap sluts" Jones



I haven't heard from Judith Williams again....or perhaps...they've won.