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Published November 08, 2012 More Info »
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Published November 08, 2012

 

To the delight of many commuters, some of whom had resorted to running, bicycling, or trying to catch a ride to get to work in the lower portions of New York City, this city's Metropolitan Transit Authority (MTA) announced today that it would leave many miles of track flooded and replace some trains with boats. Said chief engineer Alonzo Cristobol de Luz y de los Diaz, 57, of Bedford-Stuyvesant, while standing in knee-deep trying to restart a pump, “In order to get things moving again down here,we're gonna be using either hovercraft or the type of shallow-bottomed boats those gator hunters use in the Florida everglades. Strung together bow to stern and propelled by jet turbines set just above the water-line, these watercraft will allow our organization to provide the quality, on-time service the people of New York have come to expect while eliminating future outages due to global-climate-change-related flooding.”

 

“This fuckin' sucks,” said Geronimo D'ad'uubak, 22, who lives in the Bronx. “I hate boats, especially boats that go through tunnels.” “Yeah,” added 52-year-old tablet computer enthusiast Harold K. P. Wang, from the Upper West Side. “Last year, I accidentally dropped each new tablet computer – roughly 7 or 8 devices – onto the tracks while waiting for trains and not paying attention to my surroundings; each time, the station supervisor sent a nice man down to get it for me – after the man had waited for a thumbs-up from the signalman. Now, if I drop one of these babies onto the tracks, it'll sink and die. Do they expect me to buy shockproof AND waterproof covers for all my gadgets?” Various MTA workers interviewed along Mr. Wang's regular route expressed dismay over his inability to maintain a firm grip on his personal belongings, and wished he would be more careful.

 

In addition to the self-propelled boats mentioned above (which, as with trains, would require the worker driving them from one station to the next to be trained in the intricacies of nautical navigation, including interpretation of the new flag-based signaling system and the difference between port and starboard), the MTA is planning to replace trains with narrow-bodied, hybrid-electric hovercraft for sections of track that move out of tunnels onto elevated tracks. (Instead of trying to climb the elevated tracks and becoming stranded as their cushions deflate, plans call for the hovercraft to merge with street-bound, four-wheeled traffic and to reacquire the tracks once these return to ground-level.) “Our new service will obviate the need to shut down vast sections of track due to flooding,” said the city's superintendent-of-pathways Eleina Honduisen. “If anything, flooded sections of track will allow us to expand the use of self-propelled skiffs and turbine-driven hovercraft to areas where track repair is becoming too costly in terms of tax-dollars or too dangerous in terms of the risk of electrified or contaminated groundwater. We are currently studying the emergence rates of various water-borne diseases and plan to forestall spikes in cholera and dysentery by maintaining a high chlorine-to-water ratio in the flooded areas similar to the mixture found in swimming pools. Things will soon be back to normal and AOK, alpha oscar kilo.” No city agency has yet released a statement regarding whether or not the city's inhabitants will be allowed to hitch their personal watercraft to hovercraft and be towed to their destinations.

 

© mentiri factorem fecit (???)

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